He makes all things new-

A few months ago I wrote about a struggle I was having with a particular friendship. I knew with out a doubt that the Lord was calling me to severe the ties that held me bound so tightly to this particular friend. So I did. As I reflect back, I see that I did it in a hurtful way. While that was never my intent, I know I hurt her and I hurt me and it was a very rough several months.

The Lord has sometimes made things very clear to me and when I balk at His suggestions it doesn't turn out well. This was a time that I fought against His lead and things got way worse before they got better. On March 3 I wrote in my journal "I am willing to place (this friendship) on the altar. I WILL place it there. Lord, it is Yours.Oh how I love You. Above all else. Even a friendship... Boo."

I had to match my actions with those words I professed. There were days it seemed impossible. Tears cried in the shower. Moments when my chest ached. Then those days became fewer. My constant thoughts were not of this situation. I continued meeting with a counselor and we kept peeling back the layers. Tears came then, too, for longer held thought patterns, actions, past mistakes.

Somewhere along the way, I began to think my friendship was over forever. I somehow forgot that from the start of this unlikely friendship we've seen God's hand. That there is no other way EXCEPT thru God that we should have connected in the first place.

I'm doing ok. I'm doing good. This summer has been a gift, a blessing, a golden time for me and my family. I am truly enjoying each day with my children. I am meeting up with friends, taking swims, hanging out with my sister. I am in an incredible Bible study with a group of women that challenge me. I am making the most of my workouts and my body feels strong. It is good.

It is ALL good.

Two weeks ago I saw my friend for the first time this summer. We spent two hours visiting and it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. A weight I would have told you I wasn't still holding on to, but in reality I was. We were honest with each other, shared our hurts and I felt able to explain a bit more fully what was going on in my head.

Our conversation moved on and we shared a bit of what the Lord was doing in our lives these days. My friend told me how she was learning to let go. To not place expectations on others that often set herself up for disappointment. Wise words.

I realized I was doing the same things. With my parents. With my children. And that that is what I had done with my friendship with her.

Ah....the Lord had been teaching each of us a similar lesson.....

Last night my friend and I had the opportunity to visit again. I took her for a ride in my new car and we ended up back on her couch. We talked about our family, our children, our husbands. As the night went on, we talked more specifically about our journeys with the Lord. Where He is leading us, what He is teaching us.

A time or two tears came to one or both of our eyes. There was very little talk about our friendship bump in the road but there was lots of talk of the recent growth each of us has experienced. It is incredible to me to think of where we've come from, where I thought we'd never be and what transpired last night.

Last night was more than 5 hours of girl chatter. It was a testimony to the miraculous work of the Lord, Jesus Christ, when we are open and obedient and when we trust Him more than we trust ourselves.

Two weeks ago my friend texted me. I told her I regretted the way I handled things in the spring. Her reply was "Don't look back with regret. I think God may be building something better and stronger....Oh the possibilities."

Honestly? I didn't believe her. Which is why you shouldn't trust feelings. I felt so disconnected from my friend, so sure that it was 'never going to be the same' that I couldn't see a hopeful future. Part of me forgot that indeed it couldn't be the same. That was the whole point of the spring. And I'm determined not to waste the pain and yuck of those lessons.

The Lord is building something stronger. Between us and inside of us. We each have come to realize how much we must depend on God to carry us, to fulfill us, to give us our worth. That people will disappoint every time, but that Christ does not. That when all seems lost and hopeless there is One who remains.

I think last night was a gift. A beautiful example of rewarded obedience. I prayed before our visit that my old feelings would not return, that I would not again be drawn into feelings that were not appropriate. And I wasn't! I feel like all the good was there and none of the bad. While I know I must remain diligent, taking each thought captive, I also have tasted the sweetness of the possibilities of this friendship and been refreshed.

My friend validated some of my thoughts as well as challenged me to think more fully about things I struggle with. We discussed roots versus visible weeds. Our discussion gave me some questions to raise with the counselor on Wednesday.

As I drove away from her house very late last night {or very early this morning, ha!} I had a smile on my face and peace in my soul. I felt connected to God in a way that I haven't in a long time. I was brimming with gratitude.

It's ALL good.

and there IS hope~

I remain thankful-

Its true, I do. I read 1,000 Gifts a few weeks ago and my eyes were opened to the daily blessings bestowed upon me. I have taken to writing in a spiral my list, my gifts, my joy. I want to see joy, to see gifts in every thing, though I don't always succeed.

Last night I took my babes to a worship concert at church. We arrived a few minutes late, slipped in the back and within minutes my hands were raised in praise. Then my 8 year old pulled my arms down. During the next song, I again, without conscious thought raised my limbs in response to the love in my heart. Again my off spring pulled my arms down.

I chose to not get frustrated. It worked!

We drove around after the concert, my kids were so happy, we were enjoying the bit of coolness that the afternoon rains brought. Laughing, singing, exploring roads we've never driven before.

Then things turned south. The laughing turned to squealing. Turned to shrieking. My head hurt. I asked them to control the volume. I asked again. Yelled. Stopped the car.

When we entered our neighborhood I opened the door and told my youngest two to jump out and run home. I had had too much and didn't want to yell in response to their high decibel levels. Laughing, they tumbled out of the car and sprinted the block home. And I was thankful, even then, for their health and joy and exuberance (isn't that a fun word?). Yet I was not thankful for the headache pounding behind my eyes.

So, I haven't quite mastered the 'Give thanks in all circumstances' command in 1 Thessalonians. Do we ever get there? Is anyone thankful ALL THE TIME? I don't know. But I do know I am given gifts daily. And as much as I can I will see thru the lens of gratefulness.

and there IS hope~

Actual email I sent to my counselor this morning:

What a difference a night of sleep can do, this I know. I had a flash of pain at CR last night. Lesson was on admit and confess. Ugh, right? I have done the steps with my sponsor and totally confessed all my presobriety junk with her. I have told another mentor about this most recent junk and told you, too. Yet last night, as I was leading the ladies thru the questions, which weren't even us sharing the inventory I felt sucker punched. Like I was a phony because I wasn't willing to tell them my ugly uglies. And I was reminded that I hadn't told my husband my ugly uglies. Feelings of shame and fear washed over me.

I withdrew, became very quiet.

I sent a text to mentor and said I was feeling pride and shame and fear, feelings I thought I had dealt with. We wrote back and forth and she said she really couldn't advise me re: telling but that she did know I was clean as snow, washed in the Blood. She then said Satan was accusing me, trying to stop my work in CR. To stop the Lord's work in CR. To make me feel like an imposter. That made sense to me. I felt better. Panic subsided and I got back on the road. I had pulled over to turn the ac on full blast and finish texting.

I feel better this morning, assured that I am covered and redeemed and forgiven. I will not listen to the Accuser who comes to lie, steal and destroy.

In the last 24 hrs my dog has thrown up three times and tried to eat it. I will not be like a dog who returns to my vomit......'Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,”   and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.” ' 2 Peter 2:22

I do want to talk to you about how much to share at what point with my step group.

We are planning on going to my parents this afternoon......

Have a great day-

This morning in my journal I prayed that I had been totally unprepared for what I felt last night. Then I realized that wasn't true. I WAS prepared. Yes, I felt those feelings. But I instantly reached out for wisdom. I dealt with it last night, talking it thru. I am not still wallowing this morning. I wasn't even, when I went to bed last night. My earthly consequences are memories of my mistakes. Yet, my Lord does not throw them back in my face. It is the enemy. And that war has already been won....

"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave....look up the video!

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

...now that's fun!....

I have an assignment. I need to redefine fun. It became clear to my my counselor this week that I still define drinking as 'fun'. And when I can't drink in certain situations I get all bent out of shape. Last week it was a dinner, poolside. I sent my sponsor a text that read 'Can I have one corona by the pool?' She immediately wrote back 'No.'

Why did I want a corona? That wasn't my favorite beer back in the day. But have you seen those commercials? Corona makes the world slip away and suddenly you are on a private beach with nary a care and all is beautiful and perfect.

Um, not exactly reality.

My reality is that I am an alcoholic. One beer would not have done it for me. It might have worked Saturday night, but I know that Sunday would have found me figuring out another reason to just have one drink. And the next time it would probably be two. Soon I'd throw up. Or drive. Or flirt too heavily.

Yes, my reality does not involve white sandy beaches, it involves black outs, drunk driving and close calls.

So why do I still wish I could have a drink sometimes? Why am I a little peeved to not be going to the staff party tonight after I found out on facebook that there will be over 250 jello shots? I don't want others to not drink around me, necessarily, I just wish so much of social life didn't revolve around drinking. I wish it didn't seem to be everywhere.

I have had fun times without drinking these last 3 1/2 years. Lots and lots of seriously, pant-wetting fun. It is true. So I need to think on those moments and fill my head with memories of fun where drinking wasn't involved. And I know that society isn't going to change, alcohol is a big part of how folks do life. So I need to learn to deal.

And I will, one day at a time.
because there IS hope~

PS- What do YOU do for fun?

1000 paper cuts

Several weeks ago the television was on in the bedroom. It was a baseball game....is there anything else on? I wasn't really watching, but I heard the commentator say something about death by a thousand paper cuts. I didn't meditate on the comment, but I did file it away.

The last two weeks can easily be explained in such a way. My life is not hard. I am not in want of any material possession. I am healthy, I am employed. I have money for appointments with my therapist and movies with friends. My children are bright, my husband is helpful.

Yet I have struggled so lately. I have had hard nights of sleep. Weird dreams. The drama I wrote about at work awhile ago is ongoing. Two women aren't speaking to me at all. While I have learned from that situation, it still hurts. It seems that there is a power struggle and I am doing my best to stay out of it. I wish I had talked about it less and am learning that I need not tell details to more than my sponsor or my husband.

A friendship is in the rebuilding stages and I want it to move faster. I feel like things are good, going well, then something will be said and I question my part. We went to the movies on Friday and it was easy and enjoyable. Yet earlier in the week as we stood near each other in the hallway it seemed as if a boulder lay between us.

My obligations at work have changed and I am really wondering what part the earlier drama has played into it. The reasoning being verbalized appears to make sense, but on second thought it is a flimsy excuse to change the game that is going on. I feel useless and unneeded and my pride is hurting.

My son has twice pooped his pants at school. He is eight. What the heck? I have toyed with calling the doctor, but I really think he is being lazy, not that he has a lazy sphincter. So now each morning before we leave the house I am telling him to sit on the throne awhile.

I am trying to figure out what it means. What should I be learning from all these minor irritations that seem to be piling up and up. Why the subtle attacks on my peace of mind, my sense of worth and value, my ability to function in life?

And to top it off, Friday afternoon as I was covering a class I noticed about 12 paper cuts on the tip of my pointer finger. Seriously. And I have no idea when I got them, what I was doing. Yet, the irony is not lost on me. Friday the cuts were many and sore. And today they are hard to see, the healing is taking place almost before my eyes.

So while my laundry list of complaints seems to overwhelm at this moment, I know that as I continue to wake up each day, they will disappear. To be replaced with new skin, healthy minutes, and yes other irritations. Because life will go on.

and there IS hope~

lies

You aren't a very good wife. Your husband cleans better than you do. He makes the lunches. He folds laundry. He works full time and still cleans the bathroom twice as often as you. You leave early in the morning and he has to let the dog out. You spend evenings out without asking him. You are not a good wife.

You still can't do your job very well. That student doesn't act that way for anyone but you. Shouldn't you be able to do this by now? Why can't you remember how to do that, she told you how yesterday. No one else cries so easily. You aren't good at your job.

You are not a very good mother. You stood at the front door this morning and yelled "Are you dumb?" as they played in the rain. They ignore you half the time. You lose pieces of their uniforms. You forget to sign their binder. You aren't a very good mother.

You are not a very good friend. You talk too much. You text too often. You tell people more than they care to know. You try too hard to please too many. You are not a very good friend.

These are the lies that have been swirling in my head the last day or so. I fight any one of them at any given moment, but yesterday the weight of all 4 major lies felt heavy on my shoulders. Generally, I can have a bad day in one arena, but feel pretty strong in another. Yesterday it was all bad, all the way around.

And I knew they were lies. And I didn't want to succumb to the pity party that I can sometimes find myself attending. I prayed, then and there. I texted some wiser women for truth.

B said "You are the daughter of the King."

D said "I am praying too!! Indeed they are lies. May He fill you completely with His peace." and "You are an amazing mom! We all feel inadequate and quite often overwhelmed. I still do myself. Wonder if we are doing anything right. Its just satan's lies. God is and will direct and guide. Cling to His promises.

S said "You are so NOT a failure. You are precious and wonderful and godly and good and funny and smart and beautiful."

SD said "You have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. Read Ephesians 1:3-8"

While I was not fishing for compliments when I sent out my SOS text, their words were balm to my soul. They spoke love, wisdom and encouragement to me. They prayed for me and lifted me up. I have purposely surrounded myself with strong women, women of character and love, to pour life into me when I need it.

Now while I wish I didn't have these moments of doubt, I know that as long as I am fighting the fight against sin and addiction I will.

and there IS hope~

Tire tracks

Last week I got thrown under the bus. Not literally, of course, but it hurt so bad it might as well have been me on the asphalt with a yellow dog steam rolling across my shoulder blades.

It happened at work. Caught me quite off guard. My supervisor told me that an entire group of people at work were uncomfortable with me. That they felt like I was spying, telling our boss things.  I will freely admit that I text too much. I was encouraged to text less a few months ago, did well for a few days and soon was back to my thumb loving self. When I find lag time I feel the need to communicate with others. It isn't right. I realize that.

What I didn't realize is that others in the room assumed I was passing on information to the higher ups. It seems preposterous to me. First of all, there is no info to pass on, all do their job quite well. Secondly, my boss would never put up with it. And third, I thought I was friends with these people. Like real, I-got-your-back, friends.

And if we were connected like I thought, then my friends would know that I wouldn't do that, if there was even anything to do. And, being a people pleaser, it tore me up to think that an entire subset of coworkers were unhappy with me. To know that they had talked about me and come to the conclusion that I was making their life harder, and less enjoyable.

I cried. I offered to go to them, to face them and tell them I hadn't done such things. See, in my program step 10 says to take a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit it. While I hadn't passed on info, I had done something to make them think it had happened. I was ready to look into their eyes and ask for forgiveness. I was told to let my supervisor handle it. I thanked her for going to bat for me, for defending me. {And while I didn't face them as a group, I have gone to several of them, one on one and apologized. It has been well received and accepted.}

Later in the day I learned that perhaps my supervisor was told an inflated version of the story. That maybe they weren't ALL upset with me. That maybe one of the coworkers tends to overreact and exaggerate.  I felt relieved, frustrated, angry and still upset.

Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this woman is really hurting. To accuse another of such things in the manner that she did is ugly. It is rude and spiteful. And I know that hurt people hurt people. So I did what would have been impossible three years ago. I decided to pray for this woman. That she might feel safe and secure and loved.

Don't get me wrong, I am keeping a professional distance from her. No personal questions about the weekend or reading her Mother's Day cards she has propped up on display on her desk. I am not my jovial, super friendly self when we pass in the hall. But I am making eye contact, doing my job and speaking to her.

And I am no longer speaking much of this incident. It was a lesson to me. A hard, painful lesson, but aren't so many that way?

there IS hope~

dreams

About 6 weeks ago I had a dream that I drank on May 6th. Or it may have been May 4th, I can't remember exactly. I do remember that it was a party of sorts and I was drinking. At the end of the night I turned to my husband and asked him what on earth I had said when I decided to take that first drink after 3+ years of sobriety. He couldn't remember.

That part of the dream remains vivid to me. What was it, what made me think the time had come to drink? What changed my mind? What made me say 'Now it is okay." ?

Because sometimes I think about that. I think, will there come a day when I'll drink again? My program says One day at a time. And it definitely helps for me to just make the decision not to drink at this moment. But still, I wonder....

Anyway, I told my counselor about my dream. She was a bit intrigued too. She asked if I had anything on the calendar for that date, and at the time I didn't. She encouraged me to really think about my decision if I ever drank again, not to just be out one night and think 'Oh, what the heck, I think I'll have a glass of wine.'

I like that idea. That there may indeed come a day when I drink again. But it will be because of a well thought out decision on my part not just a whim when out with friends. Though I do not think drinking will ever successfully fit back into my life, there is some power in that process.

Fast forward to last night. I was at a Kentucky Derby dinner with dancing. It was so fun, I wore a fancy hat and mingled with some of our city's movers and shakers. There was a cash bar and wine bottles on our table. During the cocktail hour and dinner I was content with my ice water. However, near the end of the evening it was just my husband and me left at the table. Most of the other folks had left. {We rarely get an evening out to dance without kids and planned on closing the place down}As we sat down between songs I noticed about a glass and a half of wine left in the bottle. And I thought- Its just my husband here... There is a limited amount of wine available... I could have a glass....

Then the shocking de ja vu hit.....last night could have been my dream! I could have decided just that easily to drink, to give up my 40+ months of sobriety. Oh my! I kind of mumbled to my husband that I almost asked for the wine. Yet inside I was shaking a little. And so grateful for the dream that warned me to be on guard. To think through the drink. To realize it could be that easy.

We got up, danced a few more times and left. And I'm still sober.

there IS hope~

19 months

Today marks the 19th month of my sobriety. I am closer to two years than I was yesterday. This is a point to which I have never made it before. Yesterday a friend sent me a message, congratulating me on my 19 months and I had actually forgot. I am not working right now, so I am not always exactly aware of the date.

These last 19 months have been intense. I have been pruned, torn, rebuilt, watered. I have had hours and hours of wisdom poured into my life. I've given encouraging texts late at night. I've cried, yelled, laughed, whispered. Sometimes I forgot for a few days, even, about my sobriety. Moments didn't arise where I was faced with the decision of saying no. Other times I was painfully aware of this new reality.

In this process I have grown much closer to the Lord and have discovered a chasm between me and my parents. I don't know if it will ever be crossed, but I do know I have a friend that prays daily that my sobriety will have a ripple effect in my family. Honestly, I don't often think that is possible.

This past week has been tough. I am facing another hurdle and seeking advice, prayers, laughter from others. I am grateful for my program, I know that this week would have been immeasurably harder had I still been drinking or stuck at step 1. After my meeting last night a woman stayed after and talked with me for 20 minutes. She has walked in shoes that are similar to mine. She could feel my unrest, my sadness, though it was not her own. She offered her thoughts, clarifying that they were just HER thoughts, based on HER life experience. I am taking to heart what she had to say. I am trying to organize the chaos in my brain and take it to God.

Because I have been sober for 19 months I know that this is just a bump in the road, just a dip on my roller coaster. Things will improve, nothing is permanent. And I'm not drinking as I process.

because there IS hope~
Happy Friday!

Making a choice-

I had a few hours of a funk this week. I felt crummy, not ill, just out of whack. As I drove to work on Wednesday I could feel the actual physical struggle, fighting between a good mood and a bad one. Good won out until about 3 pm.........then came the clouds.

I tried to shake it off, came really close, then became frustrated again by my first born. We ran the errands we had to run, I made dinner, visited with the grandparents, watered the yard, gave baths, yada yada yada. All evening I kept swiping frozen pb cups and popping them in my mouth. I had 10, easily.

I emailed a friend yesterday morning, proud of myself for choosing pb cups over sangria. Yes, that is progress, but still not a particular healthy coping mechanism. At my meeting last night I brought it up and we talked about what was healthy or ok to do in times of stress and agitation. Prayer, deep breaths, a walk. Why don't those things seem possible in the moment?

A wiser woman in my group reminded us that everything is a choice. Drinking is a choice. Being sober is a choice. And really, being grumpy or joyful is also a choice.

I read a quote yesterday morning that I need to print out and tape to my fridge:

"It does not have to be well with my circumstances to be well with my soul" Jennifer Rothschild.

Agree or Disagree?
Happy Friday~

Bouncy Ball

That is totally how I felt today.

Yesterday I woke up in a funk. Happens occasionally. Had some nagging doubts about the day before and they didn't leave overnight. Went to church. On the way I saw the runners in the local half marathon. I started crying. Really crying. I honked my horn, knowing that the particular part of the course I was driving was really really hard, having run it last year.

Went into church. Kinda kept to myself. Which is not like me. Felt teary eyed for no particular reason. After church I brought the babes home and the husband went into the office for a few hours. I changed into pjs and crawled back into bed, wishing I could stay there all afternoon.

Instead an hour later I changed back into church clothes and went to the visitation of a friend from high school's grandmother. Cried the whole way there. Really, what was with me yesterday? After the visitation we went as a family to a team party. It was fun and I got to hold warm sweet puppies.

After the party I went to the grocery store and started crying AGAIN. I texted my sponsor and she told me to come over. With my trunk full of groceries, I did. We talked for a few minutes, then knelt over her ottoman and she prayed. I listened and dripped snot.

Takes a true friend to let you drip snot on her ottoman!

Came home, went to bed and when I woke up this morning all was new. I was happy, joyful even. Singing with my kids, not yelling at all. And the good mood lasted all day and I am still feeling it right now as I make dinner. Nothing else is different. My kids are still fighting. I am still running late. But I am happy.

I enjoy the highs of my mood swings, but wish they were not preceded by such funky lows.

How are you today?
Happy Monday~

Triggers

I started drinking in high school because it seemed like a pretty cool thing to do. I remember being at a party one of the first times I was out drinking. We were sitting around a table playing a drinking game. I got up to go to the bathroom and was instantly aware I was drunk. I liked that feeling. I liked feeling woozy, a little off balance. As I made my way back from the bathroom to the keg a guy named George kissed me. I didn't know Geroge, but I didn't care that he kissed me.

As I went through the rest of high school and college I drank often, just to have a good time. I don't really remember drinking to relieve stress or because I was in a bad mood. And I don't know when that switch happened. I am trying to think back to when that became more the norm.

At one point in 2007 I got into a disagreement with my father {a high functioning alcoholic} and it turned pretty ugly. My family was going with my inlaws to a local rodeo and while they waited in the car I came back in to the kitchen and drank vodka straight from the bottle. I remember I was SO MAD at my dad and my response was to drink. The very ironic part was that the fight with my dad was about his drinking.

I had two, then three young children and my daily frustration level was getting higher. Drinking in the afternoon seemed to calm my nerves. I sometimes got irritated when I felt someone was criticizing my parenting. Drinking made me care a little bit less.Once I was going to a social at a Bible study group where I knew very few people. I drank before I went and felt more comfortable mingling with the ladies.

Those instances are clear times I was drinking to cope with my feelings. I have had to learn to deal with my feelings without alcohol. I can't say it has been easy. I can't say I do it right. I can say I haven't had a drink, but I have yelled, cried, gone silent, left the room.

I have also had successful moments. I have gotten through the tough times and felt better afterwards. Those carry me through. I still have trigger moments. I am still learning.

This is a bit rambly....what triggers you?
Happy Wednesday~

Splash de limon`

I am sitting in my dining room listening to Julie Andrews sing "Just a Spoonful of Sugar" and drinking lemon water. And I am content.

A little frazzled, maybe.

But not agitated. Or goofy. Or slipping further and further into a buzz that would lead to sleep whether I wanted it to or not.

At the end of my drinking I was into sangria. My husband would buy big jugs from the grocery store and I poured it into mason jars to sip. Mmmmm.......still sounds good. But after two glasses, er, jars of my sauce I didn't much care about anything else.

My kids could eat whatever they wanted. The dishes could sit until tomorrow. Things I'd said I'd do could definitely wait til later. The stress of the week seemingly slid away as the cool juice slid down my throat.

I must remember how it used to be.

Because it must never happen again.

Happy Saturday!

So, a weird thing.

My ex boyfriend started working at the same place I work. I only dated two guys EVER. Married one. Thought I was going to marry the other. At one point dated them both at the same time. {They knew, don't worry}. 16 years ago.

Anyway, I am really dealing with some mixed up head emotions this week. And that is simply ticking me off. I am trying to stay in today. I have talked with my sponsor. I know that telling someone else my struggle will keep me from isolating myself.

Will not allow the enemy to get a stronghold in my brain {anymore than he already has}.

I have been married 10 years. I have 3 children. I am generally in a happy place. I am getting healthy. Just the fact that I am writing this or having to deal with this in my crazy head is insane. I must remain sane.

Unhealthy thoughts, begone.

Red red wine
Makes me feel so fine
Makes me feel happy
All of the time......

Dang, I wanted some red wine tonight! We were at my in laws, to take a picture for her campaign. It was an easy process this time and the photographers were done with a good shot in 30 minutes.

Then dinner preparations began. Steak. Potatoes. Mushrooms. Salad. Red wine. As I saw the glasses being poured around me I wanted one. I wanted to sip from the glass. I wanted to taste the Shiraz with the meat. I wanted it.

I sent my sponsor and my bbf a text. Both responded quickly, both with the right words.

As we sat down to eat my thoughtful father in law offered me some sparkling grape juice.

Um, no thanks.

We bowed our heads to give thanks and I started crying. Seriously? What is wrong with me? I haven't had a drink in over 13 months. I KNOW my life is 100% better now. I am no longer out of control. I am proud of how far I have come and for the recovery I have made so far.

I was mad. I was sad. Sad for all the drinks I will never get to have. These feelings came over me a bit on Saturday afternoon, too, when the woman who taught me to drink chardonnay invited me over for wine.

Its ridiculous, really. I am working the steps and though I haven't made it through step 4 yet {Oh man, I am really dragging my feet} I have enough distance to realize the mess I was in and the path of destruction I was heading down.

So why do I still want a glass of wine? Why do I still wish I could drink normally?

Why?

Sorry for the downer post - just keepin' it real folks.....

Happy Monday~

Checkin' In-

I don't have much to say today. I have a sick 2 yr old, a nose that just won't quit running. I often wonder where all that snot comes from when we get sick. I mean, seriously. She isn't running fever and is sleeping well at night, so it hasn't been too bad. The mister stayed home with her this morning so I could work and we have tomorrow off, so that is good.

The wedding was fabulous. The bride was gorgeous and the dancing was just what I wanted! Lots of my friends were there and it was just good, clean fun. Who needs beer?

Ha.

I am actually feeling pretty good this week. I was reading some in my little Big Book about how the desire to drink just gets removed from us. That would have caused me much to doubt earlier in my recovery, but I am living proof today. I know, KNOW, that there will be moments, but the peace and serenity and hope that I feel while sober will always outweigh the short term effects of a buzz.

Or so I pray.

My friend has been posting her evening prayer each night and I have been answering with a prayer of my own. Honestly I enjoy praying for others. I like to pray out loud, in groups, over meals, etc. Been like that since I was a kid. I am grateful that the Lord sees fit to have me kept me safe all these years and I pray my life is a living testament to His grace.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see
your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

I desire to live that daily, {not just during the moments when I was not drinking, like before}, but every moment.

Happy Wednesday~

On my own----

I like people.

I am an extrovert.

I heard once that some people gain energy while around other people and some feel their energy sucked away. I definitely fall into the first category.

I like to text. To email. Be on FB. On the phone. Talk for 30 minutes in the parking lot after meetings are over.

I seriously love being around people.

I have said a couple of times lately that it is too crazy to be alone with my thoughts, I have to share them, that is why I talk so much.

Today I had a thought. I think I need to be alone more. Intentionally not listening to music, not reading a book, not reading status updates.

Alone.

With my thoughts.

Listening to God.

That scares me.

I tried it tonight on my run. And it wasn't too dreadful. I don't know yet what I heard, but I still think I am being called to hang out by myself a little more in 2010. Ask for other's opinions less. Share my mundane thoughts less. Ramble in my blog less.

What do you need to do?
Happy Tuesday~

Fun times-

Tonight I went to a surprise lingerie shower for my sponsor's daughter. I nearly had an anxiety attack in the pajama dept at Target. I settled on some tiny boxer shorts with a long sleeve t.

I started thinking about previous lingerie showers. Bachelorette parties. Party buses. Dancers who like $1 bills. Shots. Penis balloons.

Totally started freaking out. How does one do this sober? Why does one do this sober?

I arrived with two friends and the bride to be was only mildly surprised. She seemed genuinely glad we were there. The hostess had us play a little game where we made the bride a wedding dress out of tissue paper and scotch tape. We all laughed a lot and it was fun.

Then we ate some snacks, drank decaf coffee and laughed at the dog's silly hair cut while hanging out in the kitchen.

We moved into the living room to open the gifts. There were a few racy ones, {mine was very tame} and the last gift she opened was cheetah thong underwear from her aunt. More laughter and fun.

The married women made veiled innuendos and it was really laid back and easy to be there.

The thing that sticks out the most was the laughter.

Another sober event done! Another successful fun time sans alcohol, when previously I couldn't of imagined such a time. Oh, the Lord is good!

What did you do while sober today?
Happy Monday~

Garbage in, Garbage out-

So..... I didn't take a drink last Tuesday when I wanted one. I sent a text to my sponsor and another friend and went to a gathering at my in laws. Once more folks got there I had to focus on my kiddos {and not MYSELF} and the urge passed.

Wednesday morning I woke up still in a bit of a funk. I was grumpy and short tempered and basically very sad that I was feeling this way during the week of Christmas. I came into the season so full of joy and hope and excitement.

My husband came home at lunch time and asked if I wanted to go for a run.

No! I didn't want to go for a run. Then I somehow remembered that fresh air often makes me feel better {Thank you Lord, for the reminder}. I put on my fast runners and went for a quick 2 mile loop. While I was out I prayed. I apologized, confessed and prayed for a different attitude.

You know what? It worked!

And the Lord revealed to me why I was so funky the last two days.

Tuesday afternoon my mother in law took the big kids while the baby napped. I took a shower and turned the tv on. There was a reality show called Bad Girls Club on. Have you ever seen this show? Oh my. But I kept watching. These young girls had some drama going on and were drinking and it was like a train wreck. I couldn't stop watching. I was sucked in to 3 episodes.

At one point in the the show they were throwing a lingerie party and drinking a ton. I am still unclear what a lingereie party actually is but during the show two of the girls went upstairs to make out while their boss watched them. And the cameras, too, obviously.

I kept watching. I was irritated when my 2 year old woke up from her nap and I had to turn it off.

Ugh, makes me sick now to even think about it.

But another sick part of my brain wanted to drink. To feel that light headedness I wrote about in my earlier post.

Funked up my attitude for like 24 hours.

Once I realized that during my run, I felt much clearer and decided to be a grown up and not watch crap like that again.

Garbage in, Garbage out-

Happy Saturday~

Nostalgic

I want a buzz right now.

I want to sip from a straw and feel light headed and start laughing.

I want to care less about the dust bunnies on my floor.

I want to taste the sting of vodka.

I want a buzz right now.

But I am not going to drink. Because while I want the fun part of the drinking I don't want the other stuff.

The regret.

The sickness.

The realization that I am weaker than the vodka.

I am stronger than the vodka. With the Lord I can do this. I can get thru this moment and not drink and the urge will pass.

Its happened before.