Friday, June 15, 2012

Actual email I sent to my counselor this morning:

What a difference a night of sleep can do, this I know. I had a flash of pain at CR last night. Lesson was on admit and confess. Ugh, right? I have done the steps with my sponsor and totally confessed all my presobriety junk with her. I have told another mentor about this most recent junk and told you, too. Yet last night, as I was leading the ladies thru the questions, which weren't even us sharing the inventory I felt sucker punched. Like I was a phony because I wasn't willing to tell them my ugly uglies. And I was reminded that I hadn't told my husband my ugly uglies. Feelings of shame and fear washed over me.

I withdrew, became very quiet.

I sent a text to mentor and said I was feeling pride and shame and fear, feelings I thought I had dealt with. We wrote back and forth and she said she really couldn't advise me re: telling but that she did know I was clean as snow, washed in the Blood. She then said Satan was accusing me, trying to stop my work in CR. To stop the Lord's work in CR. To make me feel like an imposter. That made sense to me. I felt better. Panic subsided and I got back on the road. I had pulled over to turn the ac on full blast and finish texting.

I feel better this morning, assured that I am covered and redeemed and forgiven. I will not listen to the Accuser who comes to lie, steal and destroy.

In the last 24 hrs my dog has thrown up three times and tried to eat it. I will not be like a dog who returns to my vomit......'Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,”   and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.” ' 2 Peter 2:22

I do want to talk to you about how much to share at what point with my step group.

We are planning on going to my parents this afternoon......

Have a great day-

This morning in my journal I prayed that I had been totally unprepared for what I felt last night. Then I realized that wasn't true. I WAS prepared. Yes, I felt those feelings. But I instantly reached out for wisdom. I dealt with it last night, talking it thru. I am not still wallowing this morning. I wasn't even, when I went to bed last night. My earthly consequences are memories of my mistakes. Yet, my Lord does not throw them back in my face. It is the enemy. And that war has already been won....

"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave....look up the video!
Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

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