Friday, June 1, 2012

...now that's fun!....

I have an assignment. I need to redefine fun. It became clear to my my counselor this week that I still define drinking as 'fun'. And when I can't drink in certain situations I get all bent out of shape. Last week it was a dinner, poolside. I sent my sponsor a text that read 'Can I have one corona by the pool?' She immediately wrote back 'No.'

Why did I want a corona? That wasn't my favorite beer back in the day. But have you seen those commercials? Corona makes the world slip away and suddenly you are on a private beach with nary a care and all is beautiful and perfect.

Um, not exactly reality.

My reality is that I am an alcoholic. One beer would not have done it for me. It might have worked Saturday night, but I know that Sunday would have found me figuring out another reason to just have one drink. And the next time it would probably be two. Soon I'd throw up. Or drive. Or flirt too heavily.

Yes, my reality does not involve white sandy beaches, it involves black outs, drunk driving and close calls.

So why do I still wish I could have a drink sometimes? Why am I a little peeved to not be going to the staff party tonight after I found out on facebook that there will be over 250 jello shots? I don't want others to not drink around me, necessarily, I just wish so much of social life didn't revolve around drinking. I wish it didn't seem to be everywhere.

I have had fun times without drinking these last 3 1/2 years. Lots and lots of seriously, pant-wetting fun. It is true. So I need to think on those moments and fill my head with memories of fun where drinking wasn't involved. And I know that society isn't going to change, alcohol is a big part of how folks do life. So I need to learn to deal.

And I will, one day at a time.
because there IS hope~

PS- What do YOU do for fun?

3 comments:

B. (Below Her Means) said...

I feel the same way often. I have to remind myself that alcohol deprived ME, I'm not deprived of alcohol. Whenever we are romanticizing the one drink, we're envisioning it as using it like a non-alcoholic would, casually and healthfully. You did the right thing by not having it.

Sarah Knapp said...

I often think that way too, except for me it's food. Last weekend I went to a BBQ and took my own bun (the liver issue) and then didn't eat most of what was offered. I worried and worried about it prior and was surprised how little it mattered when I actually got there. I didn't have to eat chips all night or big pieces of pie to chat and watch the movie and have fun. Stay strong. Remember the good times - I love that! Remember 3 years of CC without alcohol. And whereever you go, take a big soda or juice or yummy water with you so you can drink and not feel out of place. You are healthy and strong and an athlete and your body and your spirit are important! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

October O Nine said...

I can completely relate to getting stuck on drinking as fun. It stopped being fun about five years before I quit for good, but three years later, I still have "alcohol is fun" imprinted in my brain. I think the first time I had a really fun time drinking, my brain must have released copious amounts of dopamine or something and my brain's been seeking that experience every since, trying to recapture the rapture!