...now that's fun!....

I have an assignment. I need to redefine fun. It became clear to my my counselor this week that I still define drinking as 'fun'. And when I can't drink in certain situations I get all bent out of shape. Last week it was a dinner, poolside. I sent my sponsor a text that read 'Can I have one corona by the pool?' She immediately wrote back 'No.'

Why did I want a corona? That wasn't my favorite beer back in the day. But have you seen those commercials? Corona makes the world slip away and suddenly you are on a private beach with nary a care and all is beautiful and perfect.

Um, not exactly reality.

My reality is that I am an alcoholic. One beer would not have done it for me. It might have worked Saturday night, but I know that Sunday would have found me figuring out another reason to just have one drink. And the next time it would probably be two. Soon I'd throw up. Or drive. Or flirt too heavily.

Yes, my reality does not involve white sandy beaches, it involves black outs, drunk driving and close calls.

So why do I still wish I could have a drink sometimes? Why am I a little peeved to not be going to the staff party tonight after I found out on facebook that there will be over 250 jello shots? I don't want others to not drink around me, necessarily, I just wish so much of social life didn't revolve around drinking. I wish it didn't seem to be everywhere.

I have had fun times without drinking these last 3 1/2 years. Lots and lots of seriously, pant-wetting fun. It is true. So I need to think on those moments and fill my head with memories of fun where drinking wasn't involved. And I know that society isn't going to change, alcohol is a big part of how folks do life. So I need to learn to deal.

And I will, one day at a time.
because there IS hope~

PS- What do YOU do for fun?

dreams

About 6 weeks ago I had a dream that I drank on May 6th. Or it may have been May 4th, I can't remember exactly. I do remember that it was a party of sorts and I was drinking. At the end of the night I turned to my husband and asked him what on earth I had said when I decided to take that first drink after 3+ years of sobriety. He couldn't remember.

That part of the dream remains vivid to me. What was it, what made me think the time had come to drink? What changed my mind? What made me say 'Now it is okay." ?

Because sometimes I think about that. I think, will there come a day when I'll drink again? My program says One day at a time. And it definitely helps for me to just make the decision not to drink at this moment. But still, I wonder....

Anyway, I told my counselor about my dream. She was a bit intrigued too. She asked if I had anything on the calendar for that date, and at the time I didn't. She encouraged me to really think about my decision if I ever drank again, not to just be out one night and think 'Oh, what the heck, I think I'll have a glass of wine.'

I like that idea. That there may indeed come a day when I drink again. But it will be because of a well thought out decision on my part not just a whim when out with friends. Though I do not think drinking will ever successfully fit back into my life, there is some power in that process.

Fast forward to last night. I was at a Kentucky Derby dinner with dancing. It was so fun, I wore a fancy hat and mingled with some of our city's movers and shakers. There was a cash bar and wine bottles on our table. During the cocktail hour and dinner I was content with my ice water. However, near the end of the evening it was just my husband and me left at the table. Most of the other folks had left. {We rarely get an evening out to dance without kids and planned on closing the place down}As we sat down between songs I noticed about a glass and a half of wine left in the bottle. And I thought- Its just my husband here... There is a limited amount of wine available... I could have a glass....

Then the shocking de ja vu hit.....last night could have been my dream! I could have decided just that easily to drink, to give up my 40+ months of sobriety. Oh my! I kind of mumbled to my husband that I almost asked for the wine. Yet inside I was shaking a little. And so grateful for the dream that warned me to be on guard. To think through the drink. To realize it could be that easy.

We got up, danced a few more times and left. And I'm still sober.

there IS hope~

Sober in the Capitol

I went to a state school for college, one of the largest in the nation. I partied like what I thought a 'normal' college girl did. There were serious incidents that happened purely because I made poor choices and put myself in dangerous situations, but I must say, for the most part, I made it through safely. By the grace of God.

And He continued to protect me, mainly from myself, for 10 years of drinking after college.

This past weekend I returned to the town of my college days to run in a half marathon. We stopped at the grocery store on the way to where we were spending the night so that my husband could buy a 6 pack of beer. {We have been adjusting and compromising and figuring out what works for us regarding his drinking.....} We walked into the beer and wine section of the store and my head started spinning.

I realized two things. One- I equate this town to margaritas and a good buzz. Two- Any type of mini get-away from my kids and my job meant I could buy and drink alcohol with freedom not usually enjoyed in my hometown.

That was true until 14 months ago when I quit drinking. When I sobered up. When I realized that indeed, I was an alcoholic.

I sent a text to my sponsor and to Em asking their opinion of nonalcoholic beer. Both said no. {Props to me- I had already decided it wasn't a good idea before they texted back}

I discovered that this town was going to have to come to mean something new to me. That mini vacations were going to have to trigger something else in me. That I had the opportunity to redefine who I was in that city. In any city.

After I ran the half marathon on Sunday, I said to my husband, "I now have a healthy connotation with this place. I have done something good for me here, instead of my usual self destructive behavior."

And for that I am so thankful. What are you thankful for?
Happy Thursday!

Spoons

Last night I went to a friend's house to play Spoons. There were about 12 of us and it was a hilarious time!

Earlier in the day I had confessed to this friend that it was often before such get togethers that I would drink. Just one or two, before I had to face a room full of people. I like to be the life of the party. I like to be funny. Entertaining. Well liked.

And in my head that was only possible if I had a buzz.

Over the past year I have learned that indeed, it IS possible to do while sober. And in fact, I am more in tune to the moment my funny self becomes my obnoxious self. I imagine I was quite immune to that internal control while drinking.

Before getting sober I had drank before staff socials.
Before dinner parties.
Before Bible study fellowship {of all things}
Before kid birthday parties.
Before work.
Before taking the kids to the dentist.
Before my sister's bridal shower.

Yep, I am an alcoholic.

And I'm staying sober today. You?
Happy Tuesday~

Just Saturday!

Today has been good. Not super. Nothing too exciting. But good.

We had a basketball game for my 6 year old. I matched up about 15 pairs of socks. Ate roast from the crock pot. Watched some tv.

Normal stuff.

I also wiped noses. Butts. Did some dishes.

Normal stuff.

And I did it all sober. Without the lightness that used to come with a glass or two of wine.

And I'll do it again tomorrow.

Happy Saturday~

Dance Hall Bathrooms

I live in Texas and I like to two step. In college and early on in my marriage we went dancing quite a bit. We also just plain went out a lot. Drinking. In bars. Sports bars. Dive bars. Mexican restaurants. Thinking back, I cannot imagine how many dollars we spent on beer. Don't even want to calculate!

When I drink I also have to pee. I think my bladder must be the size of a kiwi fruit. Have you ever heard of 'breaking the seal'? Like hold off on peeing as long as possible because once you go you have to keep going? I have another story about that, but will post later in the week.

Anyway, back to the bathrooms. I am not a germaphobe by any stretch. But gas station bathrooms do gross me out. However, once I was drinking apparently little things escaped my attention. Bar bathrooms must have been one of those things.

One time I was at a complete dive and drinking whiskey I believe. At some point I must have realized I was going to throw up. I did this often when I drank. Never phased me and made the hangovers a little easier to deal with the next morning.

This particular night I stumbled my way into the tiny, two stall bathroom and puked in the sink. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. A girl looked at me and asked "Did you just throw up in the sink?" I made some smart aleck remark and headed back out into the bar.

Puke and rally.

That is just disgusting. Ugh.

Last night I went to a charity event at a local dance hall. I was really looking forward to two steppin' with my husband. All my diet coke made it to my bladder and I went to the bathroom. I flushed with my boot and as soon as I washed my hands I texted my sponsor and another friend: {Um, bar bathrooms are gross when you're sober.}

Yeah, I've come a long way, baby.

happy Sunday~

Checkin' In-

I don't have much to say today. I have a sick 2 yr old, a nose that just won't quit running. I often wonder where all that snot comes from when we get sick. I mean, seriously. She isn't running fever and is sleeping well at night, so it hasn't been too bad. The mister stayed home with her this morning so I could work and we have tomorrow off, so that is good.

The wedding was fabulous. The bride was gorgeous and the dancing was just what I wanted! Lots of my friends were there and it was just good, clean fun. Who needs beer?

Ha.

I am actually feeling pretty good this week. I was reading some in my little Big Book about how the desire to drink just gets removed from us. That would have caused me much to doubt earlier in my recovery, but I am living proof today. I know, KNOW, that there will be moments, but the peace and serenity and hope that I feel while sober will always outweigh the short term effects of a buzz.

Or so I pray.

My friend has been posting her evening prayer each night and I have been answering with a prayer of my own. Honestly I enjoy praying for others. I like to pray out loud, in groups, over meals, etc. Been like that since I was a kid. I am grateful that the Lord sees fit to have me kept me safe all these years and I pray my life is a living testament to His grace.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see
your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

I desire to live that daily, {not just during the moments when I was not drinking, like before}, but every moment.

Happy Wednesday~

Weddings

Tonight I am going to my sponsor's daughter's wedding. I spent part of the day Thursday decorating the dance hall, it is going to be gorgeous. There will be a band and my husband and I are going to get to dance. I haven't been dancing in longer than I can remember.

I {love} to two step with my husband. I used to really enjoy dancing to fast music, too. After a few drinks. This goes back to the how do I do this sober? Why do I do this sober?

Weddings were always a lot of fun for me. I got to dress up. And generally there was free alcohol. What could be better?

So the first wedding I went to last year while sober was a little awkward. Even when I wasn't supposed to be drinking in public [because of my job] I always managed to drink in the car before hand or sneak [so I thought] glasses of wine.

Last December I went to a wedding sober. I went to the reception sober. Then, horror of horrors, I danced sober. Honestly, I didn't like it. I felt very self conscious and awkward. I wish I could say it got better, that I felt more comfortable, but I really didn't. I enjoyed the slow songs, dancing with my husband. And while there was a group of my friends dancing to the fast music, all sober, I tried and failed to have a good time.

The next sober wedding was better. The only problem this time was the copious amount of diet coke I drank. I was up all night!

But compared to the nights after receptions that I came to around 3 or 4, totally unaware of my surroundings or unsure of how my dress came off, I'd take caffeine insomnia any time.

So tonight will be another sober wedding. There will be no alcohol served at all. We'll all be dancing sans social lubricant. I'll let you know how it goes.

What are you doing tonight?
Happy Saturday~

Fun times-

Tonight I went to a surprise lingerie shower for my sponsor's daughter. I nearly had an anxiety attack in the pajama dept at Target. I settled on some tiny boxer shorts with a long sleeve t.

I started thinking about previous lingerie showers. Bachelorette parties. Party buses. Dancers who like $1 bills. Shots. Penis balloons.

Totally started freaking out. How does one do this sober? Why does one do this sober?

I arrived with two friends and the bride to be was only mildly surprised. She seemed genuinely glad we were there. The hostess had us play a little game where we made the bride a wedding dress out of tissue paper and scotch tape. We all laughed a lot and it was fun.

Then we ate some snacks, drank decaf coffee and laughed at the dog's silly hair cut while hanging out in the kitchen.

We moved into the living room to open the gifts. There were a few racy ones, {mine was very tame} and the last gift she opened was cheetah thong underwear from her aunt. More laughter and fun.

The married women made veiled innuendos and it was really laid back and easy to be there.

The thing that sticks out the most was the laughter.

Another sober event done! Another successful fun time sans alcohol, when previously I couldn't of imagined such a time. Oh, the Lord is good!

What did you do while sober today?
Happy Monday~

1st Thanksgiving

This is my first sober Thanksgiving. Granted, I have been pregnant three previous turkey days, but I never had a problem abstaining when I was pregnant.

Dinner at the in laws was great. There was a moment of panic when a friend handed me a champagne flute, but it was sparkling grape juice. Another moment of nostalgia passed when I caught scent of my father in law's red wine, but over all it was not hard to not drink that day.

Friday was a completely different story. My side of the family met at my sister's house. My favorite uncle mentioned getting a drink and I said I hadn't had a drink in almost a year. He asked me why and when I responded I was very close to having a real problem with alcohol he said he didn't agree with me.

From that point on all I could see was the drinking going on. My grandpa. My uncles. My cousins. My sister. My cousins' girlfriends. Beer, whiskey, wine. I slipped away to the guest room and called my sponsor. She encouraged me to stay strong and to pray for my family. I sent a text message to another friend who immediately texted Scriptures back to me.

I got thru the night, but I was rather miserable. My eyes were only focused on the alcohol. I was disappointed when no one suggested we bless the meal, though traditionally I have been the one to say the prayer.

My family left the dinner early to drive to my parents and no one had too much to drink in my presence. And it wasn't even that I was envying them, that I wanted to drink. I was just saddened that there didn't seem to be any other subject of conversation or available activity besides beer pong.

Today at my parents has also been rough. I have not been forthright in telling my parents about my addiction. There are many reasons for this, one of them being the fact that both of my parents are daily drinkers. My mom said she made sangria this morning. I said 'On the 16th it will be one year since I have had a drink.' She said November or December. I said December and that was the end of the conversation.

Later she told me that if I ever had reason to serve alcohol again at my house this sangria recipe was really good.

Hello.

Ah well. We are all new to this recovery process. I can feel very safe in saying that I am the only one in any of my close family circles that has gotten sober. I have heard that a great uncle doesn't drink anymore, but I have never spent any time with him. I know of many stories of family members drinking too much.

Not drinking is foreign to my family. It was foreign to me.

I am grateful this Thanksgiving it is my reality.

Happy Saturday~