Thursday, December 31, 2009

Thankful Thursday-

Ten things I am thankful for this New Year's Eve-

*I haven't thrown up as a result of drinking in over a year
*I have not had to lie or smudge a story when talking to people at work about my weekend
*I ran a half marathon in March
*I haven't woken up in the middle of the night, afraid of what might have happened a few hours before
*I picked up my one year chip on December 16
*I have met some friends who are also struggling well against this disease, alcoholism
*My sponsor lets me text her no matter what time of day or night it is
*I have lost about 20 lbs as a result of my not drinking and the fact that I started running
*My husband told me my decision to quit drinking has made us a better family
*Not one person I have told about my condition has snubbed me, judged me, done anything but love me

What are you thankful for?
Happy Thursday~
Happy New Year's Eve~

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sobriety Sunday-

{On a Monday morning}

My friend Emily posts about a different topic each Sunday relating to sobriety. I want to, as well.


Just the thought of holidays is kinda scary to a newly sober person. At least it was to me. I had my last drink on December 16th, meaning Christmas, then New Year's was looming straight ahead. I made it thru Christmas at my parents house with the help of some anti anxiety medicine the doctor prescribed me to start the journey to sobriety. {That is whole other post, my fear of replacing one drug with another}

Then came New Year's Eve. I have spent New Year's Eve in any number of ways over the years. But they all had one thing in common. I drank. Once a glass of champagne when I was pregnant and once 12 shots at the shot bar when I was 19.

To me New Year's Eve = partying. Partying = drinking. Drinking = a good time. Not drinking = boring time. By the grace of God I have learned that fun can be had without alcohol. But I had to learn that.

Over time.

One sober event at a time.

Last New Year's Eve the mister and I went to a friend's house to play games. There were at least 25 people there, all of whom I knew. I went into it a bit apprehensive, but also hopeful. I looked around and some folks were drinking beer, but most were drinking something nonalcoholic. The evening went on and I had fun. The game was raucous and there was lots of laughter.

...Granted, my husband and another youngish guy laughed louder once their beer took effect....

But no one got sloppy. No one passed out. No one offered shots. Right before midnight someone opened a bottle of champagne and a bottle of sparkling grape juice. No one noticed which glass I took. Of course, I noticed what everyone else was drinking, but I think that can be expected of an alcoholic 15 days sober.

We toasted, kissed our SOs and bid good night.

I did it! I had honestly had a good time without a social lubricant. Which 5 hours or so before I wasn't sure was possible. Thank you, Jesus!

I am still retraining my brain. I was taught, by modeling, while growing up that alcohol is just a given at most every event. In fact, I can't think of a time my nuclear family wouldn't think alcohol was ok. I now know that the whole world doesn't operate that way. Some people choose not to drink at all for no other reason than they don't care to. And that some people drink wine with dinner sometimes, have beer some weekends, celebrate with a toast on occasion. I also know that can't be me. I am an alcoholic and there are no some times for me.

It still surprises me when I go somewhere socially and there isn't alcohol and it isn't a church function. But I'm learning.

One sober event at a time.

Happy Monday~

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Garbage in, Garbage out-

So..... I didn't take a drink last Tuesday when I wanted one. I sent a text to my sponsor and another friend and went to a gathering at my in laws. Once more folks got there I had to focus on my kiddos {and not MYSELF} and the urge passed.

Wednesday morning I woke up still in a bit of a funk. I was grumpy and short tempered and basically very sad that I was feeling this way during the week of Christmas. I came into the season so full of joy and hope and excitement.

My husband came home at lunch time and asked if I wanted to go for a run.

No! I didn't want to go for a run. Then I somehow remembered that fresh air often makes me feel better {Thank you Lord, for the reminder}. I put on my fast runners and went for a quick 2 mile loop. While I was out I prayed. I apologized, confessed and prayed for a different attitude.

You know what? It worked!

And the Lord revealed to me why I was so funky the last two days.

Tuesday afternoon my mother in law took the big kids while the baby napped. I took a shower and turned the tv on. There was a reality show called Bad Girls Club on. Have you ever seen this show? Oh my. But I kept watching. These young girls had some drama going on and were drinking and it was like a train wreck. I couldn't stop watching. I was sucked in to 3 episodes.

At one point in the the show they were throwing a lingerie party and drinking a ton. I am still unclear what a lingereie party actually is but during the show two of the girls went upstairs to make out while their boss watched them. And the cameras, too, obviously.

I kept watching. I was irritated when my 2 year old woke up from her nap and I had to turn it off.

Ugh, makes me sick now to even think about it.

But another sick part of my brain wanted to drink. To feel that light headedness I wrote about in my earlier post.

Funked up my attitude for like 24 hours.

Once I realized that during my run, I felt much clearer and decided to be a grown up and not watch crap like that again.

Garbage in, Garbage out-

Happy Saturday~

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I want a buzz right now.

I want to sip from a straw and feel light headed and start laughing.

I want to care less about the dust bunnies on my floor.

I want to taste the sting of vodka.

I want a buzz right now.

But I am not going to drink. Because while I want the fun part of the drinking I don't want the other stuff.

The regret.

The sickness.

The realization that I am weaker than the vodka.

I am stronger than the vodka. With the Lord I can do this. I can get thru this moment and not drink and the urge will pass.

Its happened before.

Why I have a sponsor-

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back-
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perhaps, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the lofty air was still.

O friend, call back, and tell me for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet sprint in the race;
But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky-
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back-
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.

Author Unknown

Monday, December 21, 2009

My kids-

I have three babes. A 1st grader, kindergartner and 2 1/2 yr old........not too hard to imagine why I drank ;)

I am grateful my children are still young. I am hopeful they won't even remember that I ever drank.

But I am not going to hide the fact that I drank from them. Much, ok, all of their extended family drinks. I cannot drill into their heads that alcohol is evil or that people who drink are bad. I can just imagine the next family dinner when my 6 yr old comes to the table and informs my mother that indeed she is killing her brain cells with each glass of wine.

Yeah, wouldn't go over well.

So, what am I going to tell them? How much information is too much? How much knowledge is necessary for power?

It is very clear to me that alcoholism runs in my family. And to a much lesser degree, my husband's. So I must inform them of the dangers. I want to live in such a way that they realize life is such fun and completely fulfilling without alcohol. I cannot forbid them to drink, I wouldn't want them to drink simply out of rebellion.

However, I will be honest enough with them about my experiences that it seems unattractive and not worth the momentary buzz. I will strive to be age appropriate and not give them more than they can handle, nor sugar coat things way past the right time.

This is a journey and I will ask others who have gone before me what worked for them and what didn't. I will spend many hours in prayer and ask the Lord to direct my steps.


What do you think you'll tell your children?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

My First Meeting

I headed to a 7 pm meeting. I left my house at 645, stopped to get gas and bought a coke. Just that day my dr prescribed an anti anxiety medicine and I had one in my pocket. I actually had 2 in my pocket, just in case.....

As I was pumping the gas I thought, yes, this would be the time to take such a medication. So I took one. Then I took the other one.

I arrived in the parking lot. Thought about not going in. Figured everyone in such a predicament thinks about not going in.

I walked into the building and found the room. Everyone in the room seemed to know each other. It was very near Christmas and there appeared to be a lot of joy in that room. I was not feeling it....

I took a seat near the front, because all the other folks were gathered in the back. As soon as I sat down I started crying. Someone called me by name and I turned and it was the husband of someone I worked with. Totally freaked me out and I started crying harder.

The woman I had talked to on the phone came over and introduced herself, hugged me and told me she was glad I was there. I don't remember what I said, but it was thru my continuous tears. The worship leader started singing and I heard their voices, rising to praise the Lord.

My Lord. The same Lord that had kept me safe over 14 years of irresponsible drinking. The Lord that called me at least two previous times to quit drinking. I was completely ashamed, totally embarrassed about where I was and unable to even move my lips along with the words.

During the small group time my crying continued. I crossed my legs and my foot shook so incessantly, I am surprised it didn't fall of. I was able to say my name, but that was all.

I was not happy to be at that meeting. I did decide to go again, to give it a try, for at least 6 months. That was 364 days ago.

My foot doesn't shake any more. I rarely cry, unless they are tears of intense gratitude. And this Christmas, I will also be full of that joy I witnessed last year in my very first meeting.

Happy Wednesday~

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

365 Days ago

I was sitting in a Wal Mart parking lot waiting on a phone call. I had had another bad night the Saturday before. This was a Monday and I was in a deep deep pit.

I knew I needed help.

I had tried before.

And failed.

Monday I got the email address of a woman at my church known for her recovery efforts. I emailed her, completely in despair. She wrote back, promising to call me that evening. I left the house after my babes were down and drove to Wal Mart. Part of me wanted her to call. Most of me hoped she didn't. The Lord knew just what I needed. She called and I haven't been the same since.

In typical alcoholic fashion, the black out Saturday was NOT my last drink. I told the woman who called that I would attend a meeting that Thursday. Somewhere in me I knew that once I went to a meeting I was never going to drink again. So Tuesday I made my last drink.

Gin in a sobe bottle.

I hate gin.

It tastes like Christmas trees.

But it was all I had, I had taken it from my mother in law's house the Saturday before. I made a strong drink and took my children to a Christmas program at church.

I haven't had a drink since.

Tomorrow I will write about that first meeting.

Happy Tuesday~

Thursday, December 3, 2009


So last night I got so irritated. There is a family friend that decided to get sober shortly after I did. She and I sometimes have covert conversations in the kitchen, or share knowing looks at dinner.

Last night we were at a function and I leaned over and said "Two weeks tonight will be a whole year!"

She said, "One day at a time J, one day at a time."

I know that is the party line. At times that is how I take my next breath. However, when I look at the big picture, I have to think, "Never again." Because if I don't then I'll think, might as well drink today if I am going to drink later.

Maybe that is my messed up head. Or faulty logic. I don't know.

I did decide to *try* and stop putting my expectations on to others. This is a lesson I *try* to learn again and again. I get excited about something, tell someone and they are no where near as excited. Seriously deflates my soul......

Meanwhile, December 16th WILL be a full year of sobriety for me. I wanna have a party :)

Happy Thursday~