I headed to a 7 pm meeting. I left my house at 645, stopped to get gas and bought a coke. Just that day my dr prescribed an anti anxiety medicine and I had one in my pocket. I actually had 2 in my pocket, just in case.....
As I was pumping the gas I thought, yes, this would be the time to take such a medication. So I took one. Then I took the other one.
I arrived in the parking lot. Thought about not going in. Figured everyone in such a predicament thinks about not going in.
I walked into the building and found the room. Everyone in the room seemed to know each other. It was very near Christmas and there appeared to be a lot of joy in that room. I was not feeling it....
I took a seat near the front, because all the other folks were gathered in the back. As soon as I sat down I started crying. Someone called me by name and I turned and it was the husband of someone I worked with. Totally freaked me out and I started crying harder.
The woman I had talked to on the phone came over and introduced herself, hugged me and told me she was glad I was there. I don't remember what I said, but it was thru my continuous tears. The worship leader started singing and I heard their voices, rising to praise the Lord.
My Lord. The same Lord that had kept me safe over 14 years of irresponsible drinking. The Lord that called me at least two previous times to quit drinking. I was completely ashamed, totally embarrassed about where I was and unable to even move my lips along with the words.
During the small group time my crying continued. I crossed my legs and my foot shook so incessantly, I am surprised it didn't fall of. I was able to say my name, but that was all.
I was not happy to be at that meeting. I did decide to go again, to give it a try, for at least 6 months. That was 364 days ago.
My foot doesn't shake any more. I rarely cry, unless they are tears of intense gratitude. And this Christmas, I will also be full of that joy I witnessed last year in my very first meeting.