Sunday, June 24, 2012

12.15.08

My journal entry from the day before I took my last drink:

How ironic that I got this journal for my 21st birthday. 10 years later I am writing in it, finally. I am 31, I have been married for almost 9 years, I have 3 beautiful children and I have a drinking problem. A real problem. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated I drink. When I am angry or sad I drink. I hate myself. I hate what I have become and the example I am setting for my children. Saturday night I passed out at a little party with my husband's work friends. I was there maybe 10 minutes, enough to tour the house before I fell asleep on the floor. Are you kidding me? My eye won't stop twitching as I write this. I am a huge disappointment to myself. I felt the conviction of the Lord clearly in June on this matter and it is only December, yet here I am. I have been drinking everyday. I took a coffee travel mug full of sangria to work two weds ago. I chugged a beer before I took the kids to the dentist.These are not okay things. At all. I hate my weakness. How irritated I get and how good a buzz feels. I cannot spend another night laying awake feeling such shame and guilt and hate for myself. And fear that I'll lose my job. This is ridiculous. Absolutely insane. Aghhhhhh-
I am not looking forward to the process of dealing with my addiction. But I am looking forward to getting some help. Because I don't think I can do this on my own.... I really need help.

4 comments:

B. (Below Her Means) said...

Look how far you have come!

mommaof3 said...

That's what I've been doing all day, reflecting on my growth. I am teaching at my meeting on Thursday for the first time ever and I am a bit anxious....wanting only to be an instrument of Hope....

byebyebeer said...

Just found your blog and, oh my, can I relate to travel mug of "coffee" and beer chugging before mundane parental things. Really glad to see your sobriety date up top :)

Mommy's Journey said...

2008! Wow! I just found your blog. I live it. Gives me hope...lots of hope....
Thank you for sharing your story
Jen
DAy 7 again

Or day 40 -2