He makes all things new-

A few months ago I wrote about a struggle I was having with a particular friendship. I knew with out a doubt that the Lord was calling me to severe the ties that held me bound so tightly to this particular friend. So I did. As I reflect back, I see that I did it in a hurtful way. While that was never my intent, I know I hurt her and I hurt me and it was a very rough several months.

The Lord has sometimes made things very clear to me and when I balk at His suggestions it doesn't turn out well. This was a time that I fought against His lead and things got way worse before they got better. On March 3 I wrote in my journal "I am willing to place (this friendship) on the altar. I WILL place it there. Lord, it is Yours.Oh how I love You. Above all else. Even a friendship... Boo."

I had to match my actions with those words I professed. There were days it seemed impossible. Tears cried in the shower. Moments when my chest ached. Then those days became fewer. My constant thoughts were not of this situation. I continued meeting with a counselor and we kept peeling back the layers. Tears came then, too, for longer held thought patterns, actions, past mistakes.

Somewhere along the way, I began to think my friendship was over forever. I somehow forgot that from the start of this unlikely friendship we've seen God's hand. That there is no other way EXCEPT thru God that we should have connected in the first place.

I'm doing ok. I'm doing good. This summer has been a gift, a blessing, a golden time for me and my family. I am truly enjoying each day with my children. I am meeting up with friends, taking swims, hanging out with my sister. I am in an incredible Bible study with a group of women that challenge me. I am making the most of my workouts and my body feels strong. It is good.

It is ALL good.

Two weeks ago I saw my friend for the first time this summer. We spent two hours visiting and it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. A weight I would have told you I wasn't still holding on to, but in reality I was. We were honest with each other, shared our hurts and I felt able to explain a bit more fully what was going on in my head.

Our conversation moved on and we shared a bit of what the Lord was doing in our lives these days. My friend told me how she was learning to let go. To not place expectations on others that often set herself up for disappointment. Wise words.

I realized I was doing the same things. With my parents. With my children. And that that is what I had done with my friendship with her.

Ah....the Lord had been teaching each of us a similar lesson.....

Last night my friend and I had the opportunity to visit again. I took her for a ride in my new car and we ended up back on her couch. We talked about our family, our children, our husbands. As the night went on, we talked more specifically about our journeys with the Lord. Where He is leading us, what He is teaching us.

A time or two tears came to one or both of our eyes. There was very little talk about our friendship bump in the road but there was lots of talk of the recent growth each of us has experienced. It is incredible to me to think of where we've come from, where I thought we'd never be and what transpired last night.

Last night was more than 5 hours of girl chatter. It was a testimony to the miraculous work of the Lord, Jesus Christ, when we are open and obedient and when we trust Him more than we trust ourselves.

Two weeks ago my friend texted me. I told her I regretted the way I handled things in the spring. Her reply was "Don't look back with regret. I think God may be building something better and stronger....Oh the possibilities."

Honestly? I didn't believe her. Which is why you shouldn't trust feelings. I felt so disconnected from my friend, so sure that it was 'never going to be the same' that I couldn't see a hopeful future. Part of me forgot that indeed it couldn't be the same. That was the whole point of the spring. And I'm determined not to waste the pain and yuck of those lessons.

The Lord is building something stronger. Between us and inside of us. We each have come to realize how much we must depend on God to carry us, to fulfill us, to give us our worth. That people will disappoint every time, but that Christ does not. That when all seems lost and hopeless there is One who remains.

I think last night was a gift. A beautiful example of rewarded obedience. I prayed before our visit that my old feelings would not return, that I would not again be drawn into feelings that were not appropriate. And I wasn't! I feel like all the good was there and none of the bad. While I know I must remain diligent, taking each thought captive, I also have tasted the sweetness of the possibilities of this friendship and been refreshed.

My friend validated some of my thoughts as well as challenged me to think more fully about things I struggle with. We discussed roots versus visible weeds. Our discussion gave me some questions to raise with the counselor on Wednesday.

As I drove away from her house very late last night {or very early this morning, ha!} I had a smile on my face and peace in my soul. I felt connected to God in a way that I haven't in a long time. I was brimming with gratitude.

It's ALL good.

and there IS hope~

Actual email I sent to my counselor this morning:

What a difference a night of sleep can do, this I know. I had a flash of pain at CR last night. Lesson was on admit and confess. Ugh, right? I have done the steps with my sponsor and totally confessed all my presobriety junk with her. I have told another mentor about this most recent junk and told you, too. Yet last night, as I was leading the ladies thru the questions, which weren't even us sharing the inventory I felt sucker punched. Like I was a phony because I wasn't willing to tell them my ugly uglies. And I was reminded that I hadn't told my husband my ugly uglies. Feelings of shame and fear washed over me.

I withdrew, became very quiet.

I sent a text to mentor and said I was feeling pride and shame and fear, feelings I thought I had dealt with. We wrote back and forth and she said she really couldn't advise me re: telling but that she did know I was clean as snow, washed in the Blood. She then said Satan was accusing me, trying to stop my work in CR. To stop the Lord's work in CR. To make me feel like an imposter. That made sense to me. I felt better. Panic subsided and I got back on the road. I had pulled over to turn the ac on full blast and finish texting.

I feel better this morning, assured that I am covered and redeemed and forgiven. I will not listen to the Accuser who comes to lie, steal and destroy.

In the last 24 hrs my dog has thrown up three times and tried to eat it. I will not be like a dog who returns to my vomit......'Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,”   and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.” ' 2 Peter 2:22

I do want to talk to you about how much to share at what point with my step group.

We are planning on going to my parents this afternoon......

Have a great day-

This morning in my journal I prayed that I had been totally unprepared for what I felt last night. Then I realized that wasn't true. I WAS prepared. Yes, I felt those feelings. But I instantly reached out for wisdom. I dealt with it last night, talking it thru. I am not still wallowing this morning. I wasn't even, when I went to bed last night. My earthly consequences are memories of my mistakes. Yet, my Lord does not throw them back in my face. It is the enemy. And that war has already been won....

"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave....look up the video!

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

lies

You aren't a very good wife. Your husband cleans better than you do. He makes the lunches. He folds laundry. He works full time and still cleans the bathroom twice as often as you. You leave early in the morning and he has to let the dog out. You spend evenings out without asking him. You are not a good wife.

You still can't do your job very well. That student doesn't act that way for anyone but you. Shouldn't you be able to do this by now? Why can't you remember how to do that, she told you how yesterday. No one else cries so easily. You aren't good at your job.

You are not a very good mother. You stood at the front door this morning and yelled "Are you dumb?" as they played in the rain. They ignore you half the time. You lose pieces of their uniforms. You forget to sign their binder. You aren't a very good mother.

You are not a very good friend. You talk too much. You text too often. You tell people more than they care to know. You try too hard to please too many. You are not a very good friend.

These are the lies that have been swirling in my head the last day or so. I fight any one of them at any given moment, but yesterday the weight of all 4 major lies felt heavy on my shoulders. Generally, I can have a bad day in one arena, but feel pretty strong in another. Yesterday it was all bad, all the way around.

And I knew they were lies. And I didn't want to succumb to the pity party that I can sometimes find myself attending. I prayed, then and there. I texted some wiser women for truth.

B said "You are the daughter of the King."

D said "I am praying too!! Indeed they are lies. May He fill you completely with His peace." and "You are an amazing mom! We all feel inadequate and quite often overwhelmed. I still do myself. Wonder if we are doing anything right. Its just satan's lies. God is and will direct and guide. Cling to His promises.

S said "You are so NOT a failure. You are precious and wonderful and godly and good and funny and smart and beautiful."

SD said "You have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. Read Ephesians 1:3-8"

While I was not fishing for compliments when I sent out my SOS text, their words were balm to my soul. They spoke love, wisdom and encouragement to me. They prayed for me and lifted me up. I have purposely surrounded myself with strong women, women of character and love, to pour life into me when I need it.

Now while I wish I didn't have these moments of doubt, I know that as long as I am fighting the fight against sin and addiction I will.

and there IS hope~