Monday, January 18, 2010

Red red wine
Makes me feel so fine
Makes me feel happy
All of the time......

Dang, I wanted some red wine tonight! We were at my in laws, to take a picture for her campaign. It was an easy process this time and the photographers were done with a good shot in 30 minutes.

Then dinner preparations began. Steak. Potatoes. Mushrooms. Salad. Red wine. As I saw the glasses being poured around me I wanted one. I wanted to sip from the glass. I wanted to taste the Shiraz with the meat. I wanted it.

I sent my sponsor and my bbf a text. Both responded quickly, both with the right words.

As we sat down to eat my thoughtful father in law offered me some sparkling grape juice.

Um, no thanks.

We bowed our heads to give thanks and I started crying. Seriously? What is wrong with me? I haven't had a drink in over 13 months. I KNOW my life is 100% better now. I am no longer out of control. I am proud of how far I have come and for the recovery I have made so far.

I was mad. I was sad. Sad for all the drinks I will never get to have. These feelings came over me a bit on Saturday afternoon, too, when the woman who taught me to drink chardonnay invited me over for wine.

Its ridiculous, really. I am working the steps and though I haven't made it through step 4 yet {Oh man, I am really dragging my feet} I have enough distance to realize the mess I was in and the path of destruction I was heading down.

So why do I still want a glass of wine? Why do I still wish I could drink normally?


Sorry for the downer post - just keepin' it real folks.....

Happy Monday~

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

J, hang in there girl - we're all gonna have those kinda days. I know I did last Friday. I just felt like a loser that I can't be normal like my husband and all of our friends. I'm the loser that can't handle my alcohol which in turn made me feel useless, worth nothing, etc., etc. But then I went to a meeting Friday nite & we had a speaker who was much like me - except she severely injured herself in front of tons of her friends on her "bottom" nite and she also lost her husband (divorce). I started to see that things weren't as bad as some others had it & I pulled myself up by my boot straps & quit feeling sorry for myself. I know how badly you wanted to be able to partake in a simple glass of wine with your family, but once you took the first sip it would have gone downhill from there & you & I both know that deep down in our hearts. So, thank God you didn't take that 1st drink and just think . . .it wouldn't have been worth the guilt & shame & pain you probably would have felt the next day. I can completely understand where you're coming from, but I'm sooooo proud of you that you didn't drink! E-mail me anytime you're feeling down - I check them waaayyy too often!

Hugs & feel better - Annette