Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Triggers

I started drinking in high school because it seemed like a pretty cool thing to do. I remember being at a party one of the first times I was out drinking. We were sitting around a table playing a drinking game. I got up to go to the bathroom and was instantly aware I was drunk. I liked that feeling. I liked feeling woozy, a little off balance. As I made my way back from the bathroom to the keg a guy named George kissed me. I didn't know Geroge, but I didn't care that he kissed me.

As I went through the rest of high school and college I drank often, just to have a good time. I don't really remember drinking to relieve stress or because I was in a bad mood. And I don't know when that switch happened. I am trying to think back to when that became more the norm.

At one point in 2007 I got into a disagreement with my father {a high functioning alcoholic} and it turned pretty ugly. My family was going with my inlaws to a local rodeo and while they waited in the car I came back in to the kitchen and drank vodka straight from the bottle. I remember I was SO MAD at my dad and my response was to drink. The very ironic part was that the fight with my dad was about his drinking.

I had two, then three young children and my daily frustration level was getting higher. Drinking in the afternoon seemed to calm my nerves. I sometimes got irritated when I felt someone was criticizing my parenting. Drinking made me care a little bit less.Once I was going to a social at a Bible study group where I knew very few people. I drank before I went and felt more comfortable mingling with the ladies.

Those instances are clear times I was drinking to cope with my feelings. I have had to learn to deal with my feelings without alcohol. I can't say it has been easy. I can't say I do it right. I can say I haven't had a drink, but I have yelled, cried, gone silent, left the room.

I have also had successful moments. I have gotten through the tough times and felt better afterwards. Those carry me through. I still have trigger moments. I am still learning.

This is a bit rambly....what triggers you?
Happy Wednesday~

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow --

your life sounds so much like mine..

i am 34, married and a mom of 2. i often try to figure out when my life became unmanagable. when did i lose control of my drinking??

i know now that i am completely powerless over alcohol.
i have only been working on my sobriety for the past 6 months. i have had no true success at this point.

currently, i am 3 days in. for some reason though, i have more hope and determination now.

thanks for keeping this blog. you've already been an inspiration to me!

thank you!

nicole

Robin said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my site! I loved all of your comments and I can tell from this first post of yours, that I have a lot more reading to do on your site. My sobriety date is 9-8-09, so I am coming up on my 6 month chip in 2 weeks. I love your sobriety calculator!!

Congrats on your sobriety and I look forward to learning all about you and our similarities. I have a gut feeling we can totally thrive off each other's stories. :)

Kim A. said...

Your honesty is humbling. I carried alot of guilt for a long time due to the effects of alcohol in my family and my parenting during that time. The Steps show me the way through and out of the pain. My prayers are with you and Nicole. I am so glad she found your blog.

namaste

emilyism.com said...

Great post Jamee! Airports and people drinking normally on TV are my two biggest triggers. Can't avoid either so I pray my way out of it, but it still annoys. I've been told that in time that goes away.

Robin said...

Sometimes it feels like EVERYTHING is a trigger. Mostly, late afternoon is a trigger all by itself. Stress is rising, dinner needs to be cooked, chores, chores, chores... but I am like you. I get through each day not at all perfectly or even well, but without a drink.

mommaof3 said...

Nicole- Thanks for stopping by and posting. 3 days IS true success, keep it up!!

I am writing my story to give at my meeting next week and it is a mess. I was a mess. I am still a mess. But I thank the Lord I am not the same mess I was 14 months ago!!!

There IS hope.

{LOVE!}