Just Saturday!

Today has been good. Not super. Nothing too exciting. But good.

We had a basketball game for my 6 year old. I matched up about 15 pairs of socks. Ate roast from the crock pot. Watched some tv.

Normal stuff.

I also wiped noses. Butts. Did some dishes.

Normal stuff.

And I did it all sober. Without the lightness that used to come with a glass or two of wine.

And I'll do it again tomorrow.

Happy Saturday~

So, a weird thing.

My ex boyfriend started working at the same place I work. I only dated two guys EVER. Married one. Thought I was going to marry the other. At one point dated them both at the same time. {They knew, don't worry}. 16 years ago.

Anyway, I am really dealing with some mixed up head emotions this week. And that is simply ticking me off. I am trying to stay in today. I have talked with my sponsor. I know that telling someone else my struggle will keep me from isolating myself.

Will not allow the enemy to get a stronghold in my brain {anymore than he already has}.

I have been married 10 years. I have 3 children. I am generally in a happy place. I am getting healthy. Just the fact that I am writing this or having to deal with this in my crazy head is insane. I must remain sane.

Unhealthy thoughts, begone.

Dance Hall Bathrooms

I live in Texas and I like to two step. In college and early on in my marriage we went dancing quite a bit. We also just plain went out a lot. Drinking. In bars. Sports bars. Dive bars. Mexican restaurants. Thinking back, I cannot imagine how many dollars we spent on beer. Don't even want to calculate!

When I drink I also have to pee. I think my bladder must be the size of a kiwi fruit. Have you ever heard of 'breaking the seal'? Like hold off on peeing as long as possible because once you go you have to keep going? I have another story about that, but will post later in the week.

Anyway, back to the bathrooms. I am not a germaphobe by any stretch. But gas station bathrooms do gross me out. However, once I was drinking apparently little things escaped my attention. Bar bathrooms must have been one of those things.

One time I was at a complete dive and drinking whiskey I believe. At some point I must have realized I was going to throw up. I did this often when I drank. Never phased me and made the hangovers a little easier to deal with the next morning.

This particular night I stumbled my way into the tiny, two stall bathroom and puked in the sink. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. A girl looked at me and asked "Did you just throw up in the sink?" I made some smart aleck remark and headed back out into the bar.

Puke and rally.

That is just disgusting. Ugh.

Last night I went to a charity event at a local dance hall. I was really looking forward to two steppin' with my husband. All my diet coke made it to my bladder and I went to the bathroom. I flushed with my boot and as soon as I washed my hands I texted my sponsor and another friend: {Um, bar bathrooms are gross when you're sober.}

Yeah, I've come a long way, baby.

happy Sunday~

Workin' the Steps

So I have been sober over a year. I have a fabulous sponsor and I go to my meeting once a week. I have missed a few, but not more than 6 or 7 over the course of the last year. It is my priority. My husband knows this. My children know this. My in laws know this.

In my program there are 4 books to work through. Step 4 is in the second book. Months ago I finished step 3. Was dreading step 4 a little bit. Went to find my second workbook and couldn't. Thought, "Ah, maybe I can just skip these steps."

My sponsor gave me the second book.

The holidays began, my sponsor's daughter was getting married and we kinda slowed down. We still met to talk and she definitely kept me accountable. I made it through the holidays without taking a drink. At times that was quite a challenge. Actually, I don't think I ever came close to taking a drink, but my mental state sometimes took a beating.

Back to the steps.

Monday night I sat down, by myself, and struggled through. Struggle is exactly what I did. {That is another post} We met yesterday and talked through step 4 and 5. We did it! I did it!

And I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I was making it way worse in my head. Too much drama in my brain.

I realized that indeed, I am *still* an alcoholic. There are *still* issues to deal with. And I am *still* a work in progress. However, with God's help I am *still* sober.

Steppin' up!

Happy Thursday~

Red red wine
Makes me feel so fine
Makes me feel happy
All of the time......

Dang, I wanted some red wine tonight! We were at my in laws, to take a picture for her campaign. It was an easy process this time and the photographers were done with a good shot in 30 minutes.

Then dinner preparations began. Steak. Potatoes. Mushrooms. Salad. Red wine. As I saw the glasses being poured around me I wanted one. I wanted to sip from the glass. I wanted to taste the Shiraz with the meat. I wanted it.

I sent my sponsor and my bbf a text. Both responded quickly, both with the right words.

As we sat down to eat my thoughtful father in law offered me some sparkling grape juice.

Um, no thanks.

We bowed our heads to give thanks and I started crying. Seriously? What is wrong with me? I haven't had a drink in over 13 months. I KNOW my life is 100% better now. I am no longer out of control. I am proud of how far I have come and for the recovery I have made so far.

I was mad. I was sad. Sad for all the drinks I will never get to have. These feelings came over me a bit on Saturday afternoon, too, when the woman who taught me to drink chardonnay invited me over for wine.

Its ridiculous, really. I am working the steps and though I haven't made it through step 4 yet {Oh man, I am really dragging my feet} I have enough distance to realize the mess I was in and the path of destruction I was heading down.

So why do I still want a glass of wine? Why do I still wish I could drink normally?

Why?

Sorry for the downer post - just keepin' it real folks.....

Happy Monday~

Checkin' In-

I don't have much to say today. I have a sick 2 yr old, a nose that just won't quit running. I often wonder where all that snot comes from when we get sick. I mean, seriously. She isn't running fever and is sleeping well at night, so it hasn't been too bad. The mister stayed home with her this morning so I could work and we have tomorrow off, so that is good.

The wedding was fabulous. The bride was gorgeous and the dancing was just what I wanted! Lots of my friends were there and it was just good, clean fun. Who needs beer?

Ha.

I am actually feeling pretty good this week. I was reading some in my little Big Book about how the desire to drink just gets removed from us. That would have caused me much to doubt earlier in my recovery, but I am living proof today. I know, KNOW, that there will be moments, but the peace and serenity and hope that I feel while sober will always outweigh the short term effects of a buzz.

Or so I pray.

My friend has been posting her evening prayer each night and I have been answering with a prayer of my own. Honestly I enjoy praying for others. I like to pray out loud, in groups, over meals, etc. Been like that since I was a kid. I am grateful that the Lord sees fit to have me kept me safe all these years and I pray my life is a living testament to His grace.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see
your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

I desire to live that daily, {not just during the moments when I was not drinking, like before}, but every moment.

Happy Wednesday~

Weddings

Tonight I am going to my sponsor's daughter's wedding. I spent part of the day Thursday decorating the dance hall, it is going to be gorgeous. There will be a band and my husband and I are going to get to dance. I haven't been dancing in longer than I can remember.

I {love} to two step with my husband. I used to really enjoy dancing to fast music, too. After a few drinks. This goes back to the how do I do this sober? Why do I do this sober?

Weddings were always a lot of fun for me. I got to dress up. And generally there was free alcohol. What could be better?

So the first wedding I went to last year while sober was a little awkward. Even when I wasn't supposed to be drinking in public [because of my job] I always managed to drink in the car before hand or sneak [so I thought] glasses of wine.

Last December I went to a wedding sober. I went to the reception sober. Then, horror of horrors, I danced sober. Honestly, I didn't like it. I felt very self conscious and awkward. I wish I could say it got better, that I felt more comfortable, but I really didn't. I enjoyed the slow songs, dancing with my husband. And while there was a group of my friends dancing to the fast music, all sober, I tried and failed to have a good time.

The next sober wedding was better. The only problem this time was the copious amount of diet coke I drank. I was up all night!

But compared to the nights after receptions that I came to around 3 or 4, totally unaware of my surroundings or unsure of how my dress came off, I'd take caffeine insomnia any time.

So tonight will be another sober wedding. There will be no alcohol served at all. We'll all be dancing sans social lubricant. I'll let you know how it goes.

What are you doing tonight?
Happy Saturday~

10th Anniversary-

I married my husband ten years ago today. I am so grateful for him! This has always been our song!


It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew
Now I just can't believe you're in my life
Heaven's smilin' down on me
As I look at you tonight

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

Soft moonlight on your face oh how you shine
It takes my breath away
Just to look into your eyes
I know I don't deserve a treasure like you
There really are no words
To show my gratitude

So I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew

On my own----

I like people.

I am an extrovert.

I heard once that some people gain energy while around other people and some feel their energy sucked away. I definitely fall into the first category.

I like to text. To email. Be on FB. On the phone. Talk for 30 minutes in the parking lot after meetings are over.

I seriously love being around people.

I have said a couple of times lately that it is too crazy to be alone with my thoughts, I have to share them, that is why I talk so much.

Today I had a thought. I think I need to be alone more. Intentionally not listening to music, not reading a book, not reading status updates.

Alone.

With my thoughts.

Listening to God.

That scares me.

I tried it tonight on my run. And it wasn't too dreadful. I don't know yet what I heard, but I still think I am being called to hang out by myself a little more in 2010. Ask for other's opinions less. Share my mundane thoughts less. Ramble in my blog less.

What do you need to do?
Happy Tuesday~

Fun times-

Tonight I went to a surprise lingerie shower for my sponsor's daughter. I nearly had an anxiety attack in the pajama dept at Target. I settled on some tiny boxer shorts with a long sleeve t.

I started thinking about previous lingerie showers. Bachelorette parties. Party buses. Dancers who like $1 bills. Shots. Penis balloons.

Totally started freaking out. How does one do this sober? Why does one do this sober?

I arrived with two friends and the bride to be was only mildly surprised. She seemed genuinely glad we were there. The hostess had us play a little game where we made the bride a wedding dress out of tissue paper and scotch tape. We all laughed a lot and it was fun.

Then we ate some snacks, drank decaf coffee and laughed at the dog's silly hair cut while hanging out in the kitchen.

We moved into the living room to open the gifts. There were a few racy ones, {mine was very tame} and the last gift she opened was cheetah thong underwear from her aunt. More laughter and fun.

The married women made veiled innuendos and it was really laid back and easy to be there.

The thing that sticks out the most was the laughter.

Another sober event done! Another successful fun time sans alcohol, when previously I couldn't of imagined such a time. Oh, the Lord is good!

What did you do while sober today?
Happy Monday~

Sobriety Sunday

Emily asked what I was doing today to stay sober.

Today I am home with my family. My husband is watching football, my older two kiddos are cleaning {so they say} my son's room and my baby is sleeping. I need to unload the dishwasher and fold some laundry. I hope to talk to a friend on the phone in a bit. I am running at 430.

Basically I am going to be doing regular stuff today. There don't appear to be any triggers on the horizon and for that I am grateful. Right now, it doesn't seem like it is going to be hard to stay sober today.

But I must remember it only takes one drink. Without one drink there can't be 5 drinks.

So today I am going to remember that I am indeed an alcoholic and though I am sober, I am not healed. I still have the disease.

And I won't drink today.

What are you doing to stay sober?

Happy Sunday~

HapPy NEw YeAr~

Today was a really low key day. We took down the Christmas decorations, I browned a bunch of hamburger meat for when school starts back and the kids went down early.

I haven't really taken any quiet moments to look toward 2010. To think about what I want this year to look like. At this point in 2009 I simply wanted to survive. I wanted to live one day at a time, not drinking.

And I succeeded!

Now I want more. I don't want to simply get by. I want to do more than is required. I want to finish things before the last minute. I want to make an impact.

I realize that I am impacting three sweet lives, whether for the good or not, each day. The Lord has blessed me with a 1st grader, a kindergartner and a 2.5 year old. Whew! I want to be intentional in my relationships with them. I want to create a home that is their safe place to rest, a comfort for all times.

I want to be sober to do all these things. I will be sober to do all these things.

I have a sponsor. I have meetings. I have steps to work.

As I was running yesterday I thought about the fact that a year into this sobriety thing and I am only on step 4. I am feeling ok. I am pretty strong most of the time. Maybe I don't need to finish the steps. Maybe I can do without the amends or the inventory or the journaling.

Maybe not.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

After next week my sponsor and I are getting back on track. Her daughter is about to get married and we took a break over the last few weeks. I know she'll ask the tough questions. And I want to find the answers.

Even when its hard. When when it hurts.

Because I want more.

What do you want in 2010?
Happy Saturday~