12.15.08

My journal entry from the day before I took my last drink:

How ironic that I got this journal for my 21st birthday. 10 years later I am writing in it, finally. I am 31, I have been married for almost 9 years, I have 3 beautiful children and I have a drinking problem. A real problem. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated I drink. When I am angry or sad I drink. I hate myself. I hate what I have become and the example I am setting for my children. Saturday night I passed out at a little party with my husband's work friends. I was there maybe 10 minutes, enough to tour the house before I fell asleep on the floor. Are you kidding me? My eye won't stop twitching as I write this. I am a huge disappointment to myself. I felt the conviction of the Lord clearly in June on this matter and it is only December, yet here I am. I have been drinking everyday. I took a coffee travel mug full of sangria to work two weds ago. I chugged a beer before I took the kids to the dentist.These are not okay things. At all. I hate my weakness. How irritated I get and how good a buzz feels. I cannot spend another night laying awake feeling such shame and guilt and hate for myself. And fear that I'll lose my job. This is ridiculous. Absolutely insane. Aghhhhhh-
I am not looking forward to the process of dealing with my addiction. But I am looking forward to getting some help. Because I don't think I can do this on my own.... I really need help.

I remain thankful-

Its true, I do. I read 1,000 Gifts a few weeks ago and my eyes were opened to the daily blessings bestowed upon me. I have taken to writing in a spiral my list, my gifts, my joy. I want to see joy, to see gifts in every thing, though I don't always succeed.

Last night I took my babes to a worship concert at church. We arrived a few minutes late, slipped in the back and within minutes my hands were raised in praise. Then my 8 year old pulled my arms down. During the next song, I again, without conscious thought raised my limbs in response to the love in my heart. Again my off spring pulled my arms down.

I chose to not get frustrated. It worked!

We drove around after the concert, my kids were so happy, we were enjoying the bit of coolness that the afternoon rains brought. Laughing, singing, exploring roads we've never driven before.

Then things turned south. The laughing turned to squealing. Turned to shrieking. My head hurt. I asked them to control the volume. I asked again. Yelled. Stopped the car.

When we entered our neighborhood I opened the door and told my youngest two to jump out and run home. I had had too much and didn't want to yell in response to their high decibel levels. Laughing, they tumbled out of the car and sprinted the block home. And I was thankful, even then, for their health and joy and exuberance (isn't that a fun word?). Yet I was not thankful for the headache pounding behind my eyes.

So, I haven't quite mastered the 'Give thanks in all circumstances' command in 1 Thessalonians. Do we ever get there? Is anyone thankful ALL THE TIME? I don't know. But I do know I am given gifts daily. And as much as I can I will see thru the lens of gratefulness.

and there IS hope~

Ten Truths I Know For Certain

1. I am an alcoholic
2. I have been sober since December 16, 2008
3. I could not have remained sober all this time without texting
4. I text too often
5. My husband is very supportive, even when he doesn't understand
6. The Lord is working on my familial relationships
7. I feel loved thru words of affirmation
8. I prefer solid hugs
9. Holding a nonalcoholic beer sometimes does the trick
10. The Lord will not waste my years of wandering

Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave the guilt of my sin.  Psalm 32:5

Actual email I sent to my counselor this morning:

What a difference a night of sleep can do, this I know. I had a flash of pain at CR last night. Lesson was on admit and confess. Ugh, right? I have done the steps with my sponsor and totally confessed all my presobriety junk with her. I have told another mentor about this most recent junk and told you, too. Yet last night, as I was leading the ladies thru the questions, which weren't even us sharing the inventory I felt sucker punched. Like I was a phony because I wasn't willing to tell them my ugly uglies. And I was reminded that I hadn't told my husband my ugly uglies. Feelings of shame and fear washed over me.

I withdrew, became very quiet.

I sent a text to mentor and said I was feeling pride and shame and fear, feelings I thought I had dealt with. We wrote back and forth and she said she really couldn't advise me re: telling but that she did know I was clean as snow, washed in the Blood. She then said Satan was accusing me, trying to stop my work in CR. To stop the Lord's work in CR. To make me feel like an imposter. That made sense to me. I felt better. Panic subsided and I got back on the road. I had pulled over to turn the ac on full blast and finish texting.

I feel better this morning, assured that I am covered and redeemed and forgiven. I will not listen to the Accuser who comes to lie, steal and destroy.

In the last 24 hrs my dog has thrown up three times and tried to eat it. I will not be like a dog who returns to my vomit......'Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,”   and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.” ' 2 Peter 2:22

I do want to talk to you about how much to share at what point with my step group.

We are planning on going to my parents this afternoon......

Have a great day-

This morning in my journal I prayed that I had been totally unprepared for what I felt last night. Then I realized that wasn't true. I WAS prepared. Yes, I felt those feelings. But I instantly reached out for wisdom. I dealt with it last night, talking it thru. I am not still wallowing this morning. I wasn't even, when I went to bed last night. My earthly consequences are memories of my mistakes. Yet, my Lord does not throw them back in my face. It is the enemy. And that war has already been won....

"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave....look up the video!

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

Thankful Thursday

Today I have much to be thankful for. I am sober. Almost 42 months sober. That is gift in itself.

Yet, I have been given more. SO much more.

1.My girl is having a blast at her first church camp
2.My youngest says 'I love you, Mama!' unprompted several times a day
3. I'm having lunch with a friend today
4.It rained on Tuesday
5.I was able to run and walk 4 miles this morn

What are YOU thankful for?

there IS hope~

Thankful Thursday on a Friday

I just finished the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The writing is beautiful, it is poetic. Sometimes I found myself reading the same line three times to soak in the imagery. The general gist of the book is to be grateful, right where you stand, for the blessings the Lord bestows. Early in the story Ann is challenged to make a list of one thousand gifts in her life.

I felt challenged to start the same list and last night I turned to the first page in a very ordinary yellow spiral notebook to number blessings from the day. I wrote down five....

1. Bedtime prayers
2. Betty
3.Candy's voice
4.Breeze at tennis
5. texts from Mrs. Dana

I want to get to 1000. I want to get to 10,000. Because I know that He gives us more than we can even fathom. I want to notice His gifts. I want to accept His gifts. I want to pass on His gifts to others.

there IS hope~

...now that's fun!....

I have an assignment. I need to redefine fun. It became clear to my my counselor this week that I still define drinking as 'fun'. And when I can't drink in certain situations I get all bent out of shape. Last week it was a dinner, poolside. I sent my sponsor a text that read 'Can I have one corona by the pool?' She immediately wrote back 'No.'

Why did I want a corona? That wasn't my favorite beer back in the day. But have you seen those commercials? Corona makes the world slip away and suddenly you are on a private beach with nary a care and all is beautiful and perfect.

Um, not exactly reality.

My reality is that I am an alcoholic. One beer would not have done it for me. It might have worked Saturday night, but I know that Sunday would have found me figuring out another reason to just have one drink. And the next time it would probably be two. Soon I'd throw up. Or drive. Or flirt too heavily.

Yes, my reality does not involve white sandy beaches, it involves black outs, drunk driving and close calls.

So why do I still wish I could have a drink sometimes? Why am I a little peeved to not be going to the staff party tonight after I found out on facebook that there will be over 250 jello shots? I don't want others to not drink around me, necessarily, I just wish so much of social life didn't revolve around drinking. I wish it didn't seem to be everywhere.

I have had fun times without drinking these last 3 1/2 years. Lots and lots of seriously, pant-wetting fun. It is true. So I need to think on those moments and fill my head with memories of fun where drinking wasn't involved. And I know that society isn't going to change, alcohol is a big part of how folks do life. So I need to learn to deal.

And I will, one day at a time.
because there IS hope~

PS- What do YOU do for fun?