Al-Anon

I just finished watching the Lois Wilson story that was a Hallmark movie this week.

I am crying.

I was sobbing. The big ugly cry that distorts my face.

This is an amazing story. Lois Wilson stood by Bill through so much. I feel like I would have given up long before it got to that point, though we never know how we will react in any given situation. There were parts of the story that I completely identified with. Parts of Bill's desire to drink that rang true in my life. There were many situations that I am grateful my drinking never got me in. I never lost my job or ended up in the hospital.

But I could have. And many more years of drinking the way I was drinking would have gotten me there at some point.

I am grateful that Bill Wilson finally hit bottom and that his wife was by his side when he did. That she continued to support him when everything around her told her to leave. That she listened to her Higher Power and asked those women to come inside while their husbands met.

Just when I think being sober can't get any better or that maybe I'm done 'getting well'  I realize how very far I have yet to go. And I thank God for AA and Celebrate Recovery.

Happy Tuesday~

Making a choice-

I had a few hours of a funk this week. I felt crummy, not ill, just out of whack. As I drove to work on Wednesday I could feel the actual physical struggle, fighting between a good mood and a bad one. Good won out until about 3 pm.........then came the clouds.

I tried to shake it off, came really close, then became frustrated again by my first born. We ran the errands we had to run, I made dinner, visited with the grandparents, watered the yard, gave baths, yada yada yada. All evening I kept swiping frozen pb cups and popping them in my mouth. I had 10, easily.

I emailed a friend yesterday morning, proud of myself for choosing pb cups over sangria. Yes, that is progress, but still not a particular healthy coping mechanism. At my meeting last night I brought it up and we talked about what was healthy or ok to do in times of stress and agitation. Prayer, deep breaths, a walk. Why don't those things seem possible in the moment?

A wiser woman in my group reminded us that everything is a choice. Drinking is a choice. Being sober is a choice. And really, being grumpy or joyful is also a choice.

I read a quote yesterday morning that I need to print out and tape to my fridge:

"It does not have to be well with my circumstances to be well with my soul" Jennifer Rothschild.

Agree or Disagree?
Happy Friday~

10 on Tuesday

Ten things I did today-
-Bought a rose bush
-Planted flowers around my tree
-Applied sticky applique words to the bathroom wall
-Unpacked a box
-Grilled hamburgers
-Went for a bike ride with my oldest daughter
-Wrote a mission statement
-Ate an ice cream sandwich
-Kissed my husband
-Wrote in my journal

One thing I did not do today-
-drink

How bout you?
Happy Tuesday~

Coming Clean-

Today I met with my pastor. I made an appointment two weeks ago to go in and tell him some of my story. I don't know where I got the idea to tell him, {The Holy Spirit} but I felt strongly that it was time. At the top of the chain, this man is also my boss. There was a slight possibility that the meeting today could in some way result in the loss of my job. That wasn't a real threat, but a possibility.

I just knew I had to tell him. The last time I was in his office I felt like I was being called to the principal's office. It was for a personel issue and thought it turned out fine, I thought I was going to throw up the entire time.

Today was different. I sat down, he asked how I was, then said, "Ok, tell me about your story."

And I said "I am an alcoholic."

I didn't say I struggled with misuse of alcohol. I didn't say I used to drink too much. I didn't say I abused alcohol. I said I was an alcoholic.

I would not have been able to say those 4 words a year ago. Even 6 months ago I was struggling to articulate that sentence.

The freedom I feel, with no more secrets is overwhelming at times. I am full of joy and peace. God's grace fills me, surrounds me. A friend told me tonight "You've climbed a mountain and you are enjoying the view."

How awesome is that metaphor? Where are you on the mountain?

There IS hope.
Happy Wednesday~

Quiet

I know I've been rather quiet on here and other blogs lately. It has not been intentional. It isn't as if I have nothing to say. I am just using many, many words to live my every day life in person, leaving fewer words to get recorded here. Or maybe it isn't the words that are getting used up, but the time used to put down the words.

And I think in some ways, that is a good thing. My recovery does not solely define me now. I am an alcoholic, but I am also a teacher, a mother, a wife.

Yet, I still want to be a friend. And I want to be a voice of encouragement to others, starting or maintaining sobriety or struggling with alcohol abuse. So I will  be more intentional about being here, too.

It has been almost 16 months since I have had a drink. Some amazing things have happened in that time, things I never thought possible, let alone imagined.

There IS hope.

Let me know how you are and I will do the same-
Happy Tuesday~