My journal entry from the day before I took my last drink:
How ironic that I got this journal for my 21st birthday. 10 years later I am writing in it, finally. I am 31, I have been married for almost 9 years, I have 3 beautiful children and I have a drinking problem. A real problem. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated I drink. When I am angry or sad I drink. I hate myself. I hate what I have become and the example I am setting for my children. Saturday night I passed out at a little party with my husband's work friends. I was there maybe 10 minutes, enough to tour the house before I fell asleep on the floor. Are you kidding me? My eye won't stop twitching as I write this. I am a huge disappointment to myself. I felt the conviction of the Lord clearly in June on this matter and it is only December, yet here I am. I have been drinking everyday. I took a coffee travel mug full of sangria to work two weds ago. I chugged a beer before I took the kids to the dentist.These are not okay things. At all. I hate my weakness. How irritated I get and how good a buzz feels. I cannot spend another night laying awake feeling such shame and guilt and hate for myself. And fear that I'll lose my job. This is ridiculous. Absolutely insane. Aghhhhhh-
I am not looking forward to the process of dealing with my addiction. But I am looking forward to getting some help. Because I don't think I can do this on my own.... I really need help.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I remain thankful-
Its true, I do. I read 1,000 Gifts a few weeks ago and my eyes were opened to the daily blessings bestowed upon me. I have taken to writing in a spiral my list, my gifts, my joy. I want to see joy, to see gifts in every thing, though I don't always succeed.
Last night I took my babes to a worship concert at church. We arrived a few minutes late, slipped in the back and within minutes my hands were raised in praise. Then my 8 year old pulled my arms down. During the next song, I again, without conscious thought raised my limbs in response to the love in my heart. Again my off spring pulled my arms down.
I chose to not get frustrated. It worked!
We drove around after the concert, my kids were so happy, we were enjoying the bit of coolness that the afternoon rains brought. Laughing, singing, exploring roads we've never driven before.
Then things turned south. The laughing turned to squealing. Turned to shrieking. My head hurt. I asked them to control the volume. I asked again. Yelled. Stopped the car.
When we entered our neighborhood I opened the door and told my youngest two to jump out and run home. I had had too much and didn't want to yell in response to their high decibel levels. Laughing, they tumbled out of the car and sprinted the block home. And I was thankful, even then, for their health and joy and exuberance (isn't that a fun word?). Yet I was not thankful for the headache pounding behind my eyes.
So, I haven't quite mastered the 'Give thanks in all circumstances' command in 1 Thessalonians. Do we ever get there? Is anyone thankful ALL THE TIME? I don't know. But I do know I am given gifts daily. And as much as I can I will see thru the lens of gratefulness.
and there IS hope~
Last night I took my babes to a worship concert at church. We arrived a few minutes late, slipped in the back and within minutes my hands were raised in praise. Then my 8 year old pulled my arms down. During the next song, I again, without conscious thought raised my limbs in response to the love in my heart. Again my off spring pulled my arms down.
I chose to not get frustrated. It worked!
We drove around after the concert, my kids were so happy, we were enjoying the bit of coolness that the afternoon rains brought. Laughing, singing, exploring roads we've never driven before.
Then things turned south. The laughing turned to squealing. Turned to shrieking. My head hurt. I asked them to control the volume. I asked again. Yelled. Stopped the car.
When we entered our neighborhood I opened the door and told my youngest two to jump out and run home. I had had too much and didn't want to yell in response to their high decibel levels. Laughing, they tumbled out of the car and sprinted the block home. And I was thankful, even then, for their health and joy and exuberance (isn't that a fun word?). Yet I was not thankful for the headache pounding behind my eyes.
So, I haven't quite mastered the 'Give thanks in all circumstances' command in 1 Thessalonians. Do we ever get there? Is anyone thankful ALL THE TIME? I don't know. But I do know I am given gifts daily. And as much as I can I will see thru the lens of gratefulness.
and there IS hope~
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Ten Truths I Know For Certain
1. I am an alcoholic
2. I have been sober since December 16, 2008
3. I could not have remained sober all this time without texting
4. I text too often
5. My husband is very supportive, even when he doesn't understand
6. The Lord is working on my familial relationships
7. I feel loved thru words of affirmation
8. I prefer solid hugs
9. Holding a nonalcoholic beer sometimes does the trick
10. The Lord will not waste my years of wandering
1. I am an alcoholic
2. I have been sober since December 16, 2008
3. I could not have remained sober all this time without texting
4. I text too often
5. My husband is very supportive, even when he doesn't understand
6. The Lord is working on my familial relationships
7. I feel loved thru words of affirmation
8. I prefer solid hugs
9. Holding a nonalcoholic beer sometimes does the trick
10. The Lord will not waste my years of wandering
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5
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