I didn't drink alcohol last night. I did take 2 anxiety pills. And I wasn't feeling anxious. I took one before the party, in anticipation of the anxiety I was afraid I might feel. During the party I was feeling pretty good, so I went ahead and popped the second one.
Yep, sure did.
Felt loopy, like a tiny buzz.
Then felt guilty, full of remorse and regret.
I sent my sponsor a text as I was leaving the party and she and I proceeded to have a conversation where I admitted everything. Which is actually progress, 2 years ago I would have admitted nothing. At least not at first. I knew what I was doing when I took the pill. I wanted to feel loopy. I wanted to feel some escape. I wanted to.
While I have been sober for 2 years there have been many times I have fantasized about a buzz. Spent too much mental energy imagining what it would feel like. Last night I was weak and I felt that desire again. I have tools to get my head out of those situations, I just chose not to employ them. I didn't pray or text for help or walk away and come back. I purposely put a second pill in my pocket, after taking the first.
And I regret it. Before bed I flushed the rest of the prescription down the toilet. The prescription I really didn't need to get in the first place. I have learned from this that my brain is still sick. When I get a little, I want more. I am still an alcoholic. Last night I just changed my substance. Last night was the biggest mess up of my sobriety. However, it was a huge wake up call and for that I am grateful.
Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 1 Corinthians 10:12
I am sorry.
I'm still believing that there IS hope~