Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Off the wagon-

I woke up with a hangover this morning. The first hangover in over 2 years. My head hurt, I thought I was going to throw up, I couldn't drink my coffee.

I didn't drink alcohol last night. I did take 2 anxiety pills. And I wasn't feeling anxious. I took one before the party, in anticipation of the anxiety I was afraid I might feel. During the party I was feeling pretty good, so I went ahead and popped the second one.

Yep, sure did.

Felt loopy, like a tiny buzz.

Then felt guilty, full of remorse and regret.

I sent my sponsor a text as  I was leaving the party and she and I proceeded to have a conversation where I admitted everything. Which is actually progress, 2 years ago I would have admitted nothing. At least not at first. I knew what I was doing when I took the pill. I wanted to feel loopy. I wanted to feel some escape. I wanted to.

While I have been sober for 2 years there have been many times I have fantasized about a buzz. Spent too much mental energy imagining what it would feel like. Last night I was weak and I felt that desire again. I have tools to get my head out of those situations, I just chose not to employ them. I didn't pray or text for help or walk away and come back. I purposely put a second pill in my pocket, after taking the first.

And I regret it. Before bed I flushed the rest of the prescription down the toilet. The prescription I really didn't need to get in the first place. I have learned from this that my brain is still sick. When I get a little, I want more. I am still an alcoholic. Last night I just changed my substance. Last night was the biggest mess up of my sobriety. However, it was a huge wake up call and for that I am grateful.

Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 1 Corinthians 10:12
I am sorry.
I'm still believing that there IS hope~


Shannon said...

So proud of you sweet friend- for being honest with others and most importantly with yourself and for flushing that prescription. I love you and there IS hope!

Robin said...

Oh, I can so relate! I hurt my back awhile back and had vicodin on hand. One would have fixed me for the night, but 2 sounded so much better. And 2 it was. And I didn't tell anyone. And I felt the guilt. So, I am impressed that you outed yourself and came clean. I have much to learn. Sobriety is such a long journey, huh?

Anonymous said...

It is hard to be strong all the time, but it takes a special person to be honest!!! And I think you are super HONEST and amazing!!!

thinking of you, be kind to yourself....

One Crafty Mother said...

Look how fast you were able to see your addict voice talking to you ... and more importantly how quickly YOU started talking - to your sponsor, on your blog - that's amazing.

Recovery is a journey of learning ... there will be bumps in the road, regrets, mis-steps. It's what we do with them that counts.

Good for you for getting right back up, and having the courage to share about it here. It helps me, so very much.

Thank you.


Anonymous said...

You are smart to realize this. I don't know what anxiety medication you took, but if it was Xanax, for example, my doctor has told me that it works on the same brain receptors as alcohol (and then she told me the name of the receptors, which of course, meant nothing to me so I don't remember). And she said that she would have no business prescribing Xanax for an alcoholic.

mommaof3 said... was in fact xanax.....

Anonymous said...

Please check with your doctor and let him/her know you are an alcoholic. That could completely change their prescription.

I am not an alcoholic, but there is alcoholism in my family, which is why I watch this so carefully. I believe my doctor said something about the 5th brain receptor, but I couldn't swear to that. I do know, however, that she made it very clear that if I were an alcoholic she could not prescribe the generic equivalent of Xanax for me (which she did prescribe and I do use. Since I'm not an alcoholic, I am just painfully aware I have to be careful with drinking if and when I choose to drink).

Please check with your doctor.

mommaof3 said...

I got the prescription this summer in anticipation of my Granny's memorial service and didn't use them. I don't think I have high anxiety anymore. I do think I have high need/desire to escape reality and that I will just have to deal with ;)

Thank you!
Merry Christmas-

Anonymous said...

You are wise. I got the prescription because for awhile now I've been pre-menopausal and the night sweats made it difficult to sleep. In addition, the hormonal changes affected my serotonin levels, which affects sleep (not all women experience this, it's different for everyone). So that's why I have the prescription -- to help me relax and be able to sleep.

I've been told that drinking alcohol -- even just a little -- can cause night sweats/hot flashes. Believe me, that alone can make one not drink, especially after having the night sweats repeatedly mess up one's sleep. :)

Merry Christmas! I miss your posts on Emily's blog, by the way...

Sober Julie said...

This post is AMAZING! I thank you so much because I live with anxiety issues currently and need to know this information to be prepared!!