Saturday, December 18, 2010

Denial

a (1) : refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) (2) : assertion that an allegation is false b : refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing 

That about sums it up. I tried two different times to tell my parents I recently celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Both ways seemed very nonthreatening to me. Both times were met with silence. 


Nothing. Not a thing.


The entire day of my anniversary I felt celebrated. From the cake with two candles with my sponsor and another friend at 515 am to the numerous texts and phone calls, the card in the mail, the dinner my best friend took me to, the cheers and whoops when I went up to get my chip. It seems that people know this is a big deal. That it takes an incredible amount of work to make it 730 days without a drop of alcohol. 

Especially when that was your coping mechanism of choice.


I'm not getting that message from my parents. When I first started on this journey I hid it from my family. Then as time went on there would be subtle comments I'd try to make that fell fast and flat. My sponsor explained that in order for my parents to acknowledge my drinking problem they'd have to face their own.


I see. I get it.


I guess all I wanted today was an atta' girl, a pat on the back.


For them to be proud of me.


It is dangerous for me to get my worth from how others view me. From how my parents view me. I am worthy simply because God created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139-13-15) And it doesn't matter if I get a standing ovation at my meeting. or if my parents totally ignore my remarks. God knows my heart. He knows the hard work I have put into my sobriety, the close calls, the late night texts. 


He knows I am an alcoholic and He knows I am sober. 

I'm not denying that.


There IS hope~

2 comments:

doggielover said...

That is a hard situation. I am sorry they are in denial, very frustrating!! I love how you ended your post, God knows your heart. To me, that is all you need the rest of it is icing on a cake, and by the way you got A LOT OF ICING on that cake. So many people are proud, and inspired by you!!

Julie said...

That was such a wonderful, beautifully written blog entry. Thank you for sharing it with me!
My sponsor tells me all the time that we cannot rely on others for our sense of okayness, we can only get that "okayness" from God.
I try to remember that every day. Thanks for reminging me today.