Downtown

This past weekend was our local street festival. This is a relatively new event, this may have been the 4th annual.

In 2008 my husband and I met my sister, her fiance, her future in laws, and my parents to go downtown. As had been the case for the previous 3 years I was bound by my work contract not to drink in public. I fixed a big vodka and something in a sonic cup and went on. Before we left my sister's house I refilled my cup. I can't be sure but there is a fair chance we took the bottle with us in the truck.

It was June. It was hot. We walked up and down the streets, looking at booths and some of our party took part in the wine tastings. Actually, all in our party did, except me. Remember, I couldn't drink in public. Surely everyone thought I had a cherry limeade in my sonic cup.

We saw people we knew, talked to friends, had a fine time. I can't tell you who the musical performer was. At one point I saw a couple from my church. The husband said "I like you a lot more, seeing that beer in your hand".....um wait, wasn't I NOT supposed to be drinking in public? Whatever.

I drove home because apparently I was less drunk than my husband. Oh right, HE drank in public.

Fast forward two days. I was at my new morning Bible Study. We had only met two times. A gal in my group came up to me afterwards and mentioned a mutual friend. I asked her how on earth she knew I knew that friend. She looked at me, really confused. "Remember when we all were talking Saturday night?"

No, I didn't.

At that point I felt like crap. Like I needed to quit drinking. I told one friend, but no one else. Not even my husband. It worked for a little while. I didn't drink again until the end of August. Then came the season of  bridal showers and bachelorette parties. I started drinking. I tried to hide it for a bit. At the rehearsal dinner I told the only friend who knew I had quit drinking that indeed I WAS going to drink that night. She didn't try to stop me. While I didn't get drunk that night or the next at the reception, I did have a hangover the morning after. As did most of my family.

The next two months were filled with drinking. And drinking. And drinking.

I again had a bad night in December and have not had a drink since Decmber 16, 2008.

In 2009 I was not strong enough to handle the festival downtown. I didn't even try to go.

This year I wanted to go. I liked the headline performer and I had 18 months of sobriety under my belt. We dropped the kids at my in laws and met up with my parents and sister downtown. They were drinking beer, laughing, having fun. I started having fun too.

We went to dinner at a great dive and my mom announced that she really needed food. I just laughed along with everyone else and didn't get annoyed. Truly, a miracle. We went back to the other end of main street and heard the music. It was good. The crowd was fun and we saw some friends.

Other than a short few minutes when I got upset with my mister for a percieved slight due to intoxication, the night was great. It was hot, but bearable. I knew most of the songs he sang and I drove home, completely sober.

Then I woke up feeling fine. I thanked God for how far I have come and for my strength to withstand alcohol. Yes, there were moments when I wished I had a beer or a wine glass. But it did not bring the whole night down for me. I did not feel sorry for myself, nor irritated with all the drinking everyone else was doing.

Yea!
There IS hope!
Happy Monday~

Al-Anon

I just finished watching the Lois Wilson story that was a Hallmark movie this week.

I am crying.

I was sobbing. The big ugly cry that distorts my face.

This is an amazing story. Lois Wilson stood by Bill through so much. I feel like I would have given up long before it got to that point, though we never know how we will react in any given situation. There were parts of the story that I completely identified with. Parts of Bill's desire to drink that rang true in my life. There were many situations that I am grateful my drinking never got me in. I never lost my job or ended up in the hospital.

But I could have. And many more years of drinking the way I was drinking would have gotten me there at some point.

I am grateful that Bill Wilson finally hit bottom and that his wife was by his side when he did. That she continued to support him when everything around her told her to leave. That she listened to her Higher Power and asked those women to come inside while their husbands met.

Just when I think being sober can't get any better or that maybe I'm done 'getting well'  I realize how very far I have yet to go. And I thank God for AA and Celebrate Recovery.

Happy Tuesday~

Making a choice-

I had a few hours of a funk this week. I felt crummy, not ill, just out of whack. As I drove to work on Wednesday I could feel the actual physical struggle, fighting between a good mood and a bad one. Good won out until about 3 pm.........then came the clouds.

I tried to shake it off, came really close, then became frustrated again by my first born. We ran the errands we had to run, I made dinner, visited with the grandparents, watered the yard, gave baths, yada yada yada. All evening I kept swiping frozen pb cups and popping them in my mouth. I had 10, easily.

I emailed a friend yesterday morning, proud of myself for choosing pb cups over sangria. Yes, that is progress, but still not a particular healthy coping mechanism. At my meeting last night I brought it up and we talked about what was healthy or ok to do in times of stress and agitation. Prayer, deep breaths, a walk. Why don't those things seem possible in the moment?

A wiser woman in my group reminded us that everything is a choice. Drinking is a choice. Being sober is a choice. And really, being grumpy or joyful is also a choice.

I read a quote yesterday morning that I need to print out and tape to my fridge:

"It does not have to be well with my circumstances to be well with my soul" Jennifer Rothschild.

Agree or Disagree?
Happy Friday~