Could have been-

Last night I woke up at 1:30a. My tongue felt fuzzy and huge. I realized I had fallen asleep before every one else in my family, not even saying good night to my husband, leaving him to put our three kids to bed.

As I went to the kitchen to get water I was slightly irritated with myself for falling asleep so unintentionally. Then I realized how different it could have been. I could have been drinking wine all evening and passed out at 9:15p. My tongue could have felt thick and fuzzy because I was still slightly drunk. I could have stumbled into the kitchen, frustrated, then purely angry with myself for having too much to drink. Again. After I swore I wouldn't. I could have crawled back in bed, praying, bargaining, begging God for forgiveness yet again. Been there, done that.

But no, that was not the story last night.

Yesterday morning my 8 year old and I ran in a local 5K. Then I took him for baseball team pictures and met my husband and two daughters at the soccer fields. I spent the afternoon helping a dear friend run errands because she is still mourning the loss of her brother and her brain is too overwhelemed to pick out mylar balloons. I had a full, full day.

So did I unintentionally fall asleep too early last night? Yes. But did I pass out because I had been drinking? No. I am still sober.

And there IS hope~

Raw

I am raw. I had a session with my counselor this morning. At 7 am. She is awesome like that and my boss lets me come in a few minutes late on Wednesdays.  So as I came to work I was fighting tears. As I worked with my students I was fighting tears. I took my scheduled break, fighting tears.

And when I went home for lunch I lost the fight. I got in my car and Praise You in the Storm was on the radio:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

The tears came. And came. I mouthed the words, sang from my gut, when my voice wouldn't work. It was an ugly cry, I was grateful to be alone in my car. Yet, it was also cleansing. I have been escaping my pain for years. Throwing myself into friendships, a relationship with my boyfriend turned husband, drinking alcohol, then more friendships.

So as I deal with these emotions I am moving forward. I am looking back, as I turn the page. I am having to process old hurts, and filter them through my Jesus lens. It is hard work, yet I know He is right beside me. My friend sent me a David Crowder song today, Never Let Go. Part of the lyrics read:

Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

And I believe it.
there IS hope~

I need wood for my fence-

So, I'm seeing a counselor. I've been three times. I got her name from my sponsor and I like her a lot. I went to a psychologist for a bit when I first got sober and try as I might, I cannot recall what we talked about. Like at all. Isn't that weird?

The reason I felt like I needed to see someone now is because I still need help. I need help setting boundaries. A specific friendship has gotten out of whack and I am not sure how to fix it. Or IF to fix it. The Monday before Ash Wednesday, the Lord very clearly told me I needed to step back, that I was way too entwined with this friend. As I struggled through obeying Him, Satan had a heyday with my stubborness.

By God's good grace a mentor type friend texted me at the height of my self destruction. {It lasted two days, involved 4 pain pills and restless sleep}She questioned me, asked what was going on. And again, by God's good grace I told her. I told her details, that had I not previously worked my program I would not have shared.

She asked the right questions and I was truthful with my answers. The next few weeks were difficult. Who am I kidding, it is still difficult. I am having to obey God and possibly let go of a friendship that has been so special to me. My friend has been sincere and truthful. She is funny and real and loves the Lord. So what's the big deal? Why must I give the friendship up?

Oh how I wish I didn't! Although I'm not exactly clear when things started to change, somewhere along the way I began leaning too fully on my friend. I would get anxious if she didn't respond in what I thought was a timely fashion. I often made up scenarios in my head, worried I had somehow upset my friend, bothered her. It began to use up so much of my mental energy.

I knew it wasn't healthy. Yet I didn't know what to do about it. Sometimes I brought it up to her and she agreed that I seemed to be needy at certain times, but never made me feel crazy and never did I doubt her love for me. We have had many many solid conversations and I believe the Lord brought us together for our good and His glory. And I'm praying He will see fit to restore our friendship into something that will again be for His glory and our good.

So how is the counselor helping me? We have been going through my patterns of friendships, starting in 7th grade. We have talked about things I may not have learned as I was growing up. We are talking about my alcoholism and recovery.

Its all related.

And I am reflecting on my part. It is hard. It is uncomfortable and it makes me sad. Yet, I know that God is by my side and He is faithful to carry me through. I am praying that this situation makes both me and my friend stronger. That we will lean fully on Him, not on others. That we will look to our Lord as we navigate life. That love will perservere above all else.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8