Raw

I am raw. I had a session with my counselor this morning. At 7 am. She is awesome like that and my boss lets me come in a few minutes late on Wednesdays.  So as I came to work I was fighting tears. As I worked with my students I was fighting tears. I took my scheduled break, fighting tears.

And when I went home for lunch I lost the fight. I got in my car and Praise You in the Storm was on the radio:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

The tears came. And came. I mouthed the words, sang from my gut, when my voice wouldn't work. It was an ugly cry, I was grateful to be alone in my car. Yet, it was also cleansing. I have been escaping my pain for years. Throwing myself into friendships, a relationship with my boyfriend turned husband, drinking alcohol, then more friendships.

So as I deal with these emotions I am moving forward. I am looking back, as I turn the page. I am having to process old hurts, and filter them through my Jesus lens. It is hard work, yet I know He is right beside me. My friend sent me a David Crowder song today, Never Let Go. Part of the lyrics read:

Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

And I believe it.
there IS hope~