40 Months

It has been 40 months since I took my last drink. Over 1,200 days. Nights and weekends. So am I cured?

I'm afraid not. I had a scare just last week, twice I justified taking pain pills when they were not exactly necessary and not for the pain they were prescribed for. As I was sitting at the ball park, texting a friend,  I shared that I had just recently gotten the pills back after giving them to my sponsor to hold on to during a rough patch. I was bemoaning my lack of willpower and she offered to hold on to them for me.

She said, but if you give them to me I'm not giving them back.

I said no thank you. I wanted to keep the pills. Even though both times I took them my attitude got worse. My irritation with myself grew exponentially. I was not more patient with my children. So why hang on to them?

Why was I holding on so tightly to something that really wasn't working for me?

Because I am an addict. My counselor explained it to me in this way: a part of my brain is looking for the euphoric feeling I had once or twice with the pills. Nevermind that it doesn't happen anymore, somewhere, somehow, my brain thinks it can get it again. Which is why I took two instead of one on Saturday.

And my counselor also told me that it is not a character defect that causes me to want the pills, there is legitimate brain chemistry at work. Though I think it WOULD be a character defect if I didn't recognize my behaviors and do something about them. Especially dangerous behaviors that have the possibility of hurting myself or others. And taking pain pills falls into that catagory.

So I changed my mind. The next morning I left my prescription bottles and a short note on my friend's desk. And I feel so free. I am not having to fight myself to take or not take the pills. I am not thinking all the time about the pains in my hips and if they hurt 'that badly' or not.

Sheesh.....at some point I am praying this gets easier. But if it doesn't, I have faith that He will give me strength.....one day at a time.

and there IS hope~

Could have been-

Last night I woke up at 1:30a. My tongue felt fuzzy and huge. I realized I had fallen asleep before every one else in my family, not even saying good night to my husband, leaving him to put our three kids to bed.

As I went to the kitchen to get water I was slightly irritated with myself for falling asleep so unintentionally. Then I realized how different it could have been. I could have been drinking wine all evening and passed out at 9:15p. My tongue could have felt thick and fuzzy because I was still slightly drunk. I could have stumbled into the kitchen, frustrated, then purely angry with myself for having too much to drink. Again. After I swore I wouldn't. I could have crawled back in bed, praying, bargaining, begging God for forgiveness yet again. Been there, done that.

But no, that was not the story last night.

Yesterday morning my 8 year old and I ran in a local 5K. Then I took him for baseball team pictures and met my husband and two daughters at the soccer fields. I spent the afternoon helping a dear friend run errands because she is still mourning the loss of her brother and her brain is too overwhelemed to pick out mylar balloons. I had a full, full day.

So did I unintentionally fall asleep too early last night? Yes. But did I pass out because I had been drinking? No. I am still sober.

And there IS hope~

Raw

I am raw. I had a session with my counselor this morning. At 7 am. She is awesome like that and my boss lets me come in a few minutes late on Wednesdays.  So as I came to work I was fighting tears. As I worked with my students I was fighting tears. I took my scheduled break, fighting tears.

And when I went home for lunch I lost the fight. I got in my car and Praise You in the Storm was on the radio:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

The tears came. And came. I mouthed the words, sang from my gut, when my voice wouldn't work. It was an ugly cry, I was grateful to be alone in my car. Yet, it was also cleansing. I have been escaping my pain for years. Throwing myself into friendships, a relationship with my boyfriend turned husband, drinking alcohol, then more friendships.

So as I deal with these emotions I am moving forward. I am looking back, as I turn the page. I am having to process old hurts, and filter them through my Jesus lens. It is hard work, yet I know He is right beside me. My friend sent me a David Crowder song today, Never Let Go. Part of the lyrics read:

Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

And I believe it.
there IS hope~