So, I'm seeing a counselor. I've been three times. I got her name from my sponsor and I like her a lot. I went to a psychologist for a bit when I first got sober and try as I might, I cannot recall what we talked about. Like at all. Isn't that weird?
The reason I felt like I needed to see someone now is because I still need help. I need help setting boundaries. A specific friendship has gotten out of whack and I am not sure how to fix it. Or IF to fix it. The Monday before Ash Wednesday, the Lord very clearly told me I needed to step back, that I was way too entwined with this friend. As I struggled through obeying Him, Satan had a heyday with my stubborness.
By God's good grace a mentor type friend texted me at the height of my self destruction. {It lasted two days, involved 4 pain pills and restless sleep}She questioned me, asked what was going on. And again, by God's good grace I told her. I told her details, that had I not previously worked my program I would not have shared.
She asked the right questions and I was truthful with my answers. The next few weeks were difficult. Who am I kidding, it is still difficult. I am having to obey God and possibly let go of a friendship that has been so special to me. My friend has been sincere and truthful. She is funny and real and loves the Lord. So what's the big deal? Why must I give the friendship up?
Oh how I wish I didn't! Although I'm not exactly clear when things started to change, somewhere along the way I began leaning too fully on my friend. I would get anxious if she didn't respond in what I thought was a timely fashion. I often made up scenarios in my head, worried I had somehow upset my friend, bothered her. It began to use up so much of my mental energy.
I knew it wasn't healthy. Yet I didn't know what to do about it. Sometimes I brought it up to her and she agreed that I seemed to be needy at certain times, but never made me feel crazy and never did I doubt her love for me. We have had many many solid conversations and I believe the Lord brought us together for our good and His glory. And I'm praying He will see fit to restore our friendship into something that will again be for His glory and our good.
So how is the counselor helping me? We have been going through my patterns of friendships, starting in 7th grade. We have talked about things I may not have learned as I was growing up. We are talking about my alcoholism and recovery.
Its all related.
And I am reflecting on my part. It is hard. It is uncomfortable and it makes me sad. Yet, I know that God is by my side and He is faithful to carry me through. I am praying that this situation makes both me and my friend stronger. That we will lean fully on Him, not on others. That we will look to our Lord as we navigate life. That love will perservere above all else.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Where have I been?
It has been quite some time since I have posted. Our computer has been broken for months so I generally use my phone to look at facebook, etc and when I am on a full size computer it is just for a few minutes. So what have I been up to?
I spent the fall in lots of prayer. 2 people I went to high school with died from cancer. It was a sad sad time, but also a time of thanksgiving, as they traded their sick earthly bodies for heavenly wings. I spent some time fantasizing about what would happen if either my husband or I got cancer, but not too much time....
I also started a new job. I have spent the last 6+ years working in a church environment. An environment that both hurt me as I had to hide my drinking for the last 3 years I drank and then embraced me with untold support as I got sober. It was a place full of folks I loved, however in the spring it became clear that it was time to move on. I was not enjoying my job at all and I stepped out in faith that the Lord had somewhere else for me to serve.
Indeed, He did......an elementary school! It is a fabulous job yet it has tested me every step of the way. I am doing something I have never done before. I am the assistant, whereas I've always been the lead. I am working in a secular setting as opposed to a church or synagogue, where I've always worked before.
I have cried as work. I have laughed. I have been hugged, hit, told 'I love you', pinched, and done push ups with two particular third graders. It has been humbling, to say the least.
And thru it all I have remained sober. I have! There are just enough coworkers who know me, really know me, that I am held accountable. And by the end of the semester there were even more folks who knew about my struggles and my choices. Not details, mind you, but enough to know not to get me a bottle of wine for a Secret Santa gift!
So, I've been here, busy living life, raising my babes, loving my mister and making the choice not to drink.
Happy New Year!
~there IS hope!
I spent the fall in lots of prayer. 2 people I went to high school with died from cancer. It was a sad sad time, but also a time of thanksgiving, as they traded their sick earthly bodies for heavenly wings. I spent some time fantasizing about what would happen if either my husband or I got cancer, but not too much time....
I also started a new job. I have spent the last 6+ years working in a church environment. An environment that both hurt me as I had to hide my drinking for the last 3 years I drank and then embraced me with untold support as I got sober. It was a place full of folks I loved, however in the spring it became clear that it was time to move on. I was not enjoying my job at all and I stepped out in faith that the Lord had somewhere else for me to serve.
Indeed, He did......an elementary school! It is a fabulous job yet it has tested me every step of the way. I am doing something I have never done before. I am the assistant, whereas I've always been the lead. I am working in a secular setting as opposed to a church or synagogue, where I've always worked before.
I have cried as work. I have laughed. I have been hugged, hit, told 'I love you', pinched, and done push ups with two particular third graders. It has been humbling, to say the least.
And thru it all I have remained sober. I have! There are just enough coworkers who know me, really know me, that I am held accountable. And by the end of the semester there were even more folks who knew about my struggles and my choices. Not details, mind you, but enough to know not to get me a bottle of wine for a Secret Santa gift!
So, I've been here, busy living life, raising my babes, loving my mister and making the choice not to drink.
Happy New Year!
~there IS hope!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Three years!
On December 15th I picked up my 3 year coin. Wait! My sobriety date is December 16, how could I get it early? Yeah, that bothered me too. The meeting I attend is on Thursday nights. And we were taking two weeks off for the holidays. My sponsor said she thought it was ok if I got it a few hours early, 730pm the night before my actual date.
By Wednesday of that week I was honestly not sure I was going to make it to Thursday! It was a hard, hard night. My mister was teaching and my kids were pushing every stinkin' button I have. I literally had to breath thru each thought of relapase. And there was even beer in my fridge that a less than thoughtful younger cousin left there. I texted a friend to come by and get the beer but she was at a Christmas party and didn't get the text til way later.
The thought that got me thru? How many folks I would have to tell that I had drank. That seems shallow and prideful and perhaps it is, but it worked....I have an amazing support system of people who love me and pray for me and think I can do this, with the Lord's help, and I didn't want to let them down. So I didn't drink. I probably ate a bunch of crap, but at the time it seemed like a better idea. {My sugar addiction will be dealt with in the new year}
The next day I went through the motions, dragging my feet up the stairs to my meeting, a few minutes late. As I walked through the doors they were singing. Singing "Come, All Ye Faithful" The first line says 'Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant'
Faithful. Joyful. TRIUMPHANT!
It hit me, hit me hard. I was triumphant! I had not had a drink when I wanted one so badly. There was even beer in my fridge and no one around who would know if I had any and I abstained. Oh, thank you Jesus, for your strength and grace! And as I walked up to the front to get my chip I was fully aware and grateful for that very moment.
yes. there IS hope~
By Wednesday of that week I was honestly not sure I was going to make it to Thursday! It was a hard, hard night. My mister was teaching and my kids were pushing every stinkin' button I have. I literally had to breath thru each thought of relapase. And there was even beer in my fridge that a less than thoughtful younger cousin left there. I texted a friend to come by and get the beer but she was at a Christmas party and didn't get the text til way later.
The thought that got me thru? How many folks I would have to tell that I had drank. That seems shallow and prideful and perhaps it is, but it worked....I have an amazing support system of people who love me and pray for me and think I can do this, with the Lord's help, and I didn't want to let them down. So I didn't drink. I probably ate a bunch of crap, but at the time it seemed like a better idea. {My sugar addiction will be dealt with in the new year}
The next day I went through the motions, dragging my feet up the stairs to my meeting, a few minutes late. As I walked through the doors they were singing. Singing "Come, All Ye Faithful" The first line says 'Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant'
Faithful. Joyful. TRIUMPHANT!
It hit me, hit me hard. I was triumphant! I had not had a drink when I wanted one so badly. There was even beer in my fridge and no one around who would know if I had any and I abstained. Oh, thank you Jesus, for your strength and grace! And as I walked up to the front to get my chip I was fully aware and grateful for that very moment.
yes. there IS hope~
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