So, I'm seeing a counselor. I've been three times. I got her name from my sponsor and I like her a lot. I went to a psychologist for a bit when I first got sober and try as I might, I cannot recall what we talked about. Like at all. Isn't that weird?
The reason I felt like I needed to see someone now is because I still need help. I need help setting boundaries. A specific friendship has gotten out of whack and I am not sure how to fix it. Or IF to fix it. The Monday before Ash Wednesday, the Lord very clearly told me I needed to step back, that I was way too entwined with this friend. As I struggled through obeying Him, Satan had a heyday with my stubborness.
By God's good grace a mentor type friend texted me at the height of my self destruction. {It lasted two days, involved 4 pain pills and restless sleep}She questioned me, asked what was going on. And again, by God's good grace I told her. I told her details, that had I not previously worked my program I would not have shared.
She asked the right questions and I was truthful with my answers. The next few weeks were difficult. Who am I kidding, it is still difficult. I am having to obey God and possibly let go of a friendship that has been so special to me. My friend has been sincere and truthful. She is funny and real and loves the Lord. So what's the big deal? Why must I give the friendship up?
Oh how I wish I didn't! Although I'm not exactly clear when things started to change, somewhere along the way I began leaning too fully on my friend. I would get anxious if she didn't respond in what I thought was a timely fashion. I often made up scenarios in my head, worried I had somehow upset my friend, bothered her. It began to use up so much of my mental energy.
I knew it wasn't healthy. Yet I didn't know what to do about it. Sometimes I brought it up to her and she agreed that I seemed to be needy at certain times, but never made me feel crazy and never did I doubt her love for me. We have had many many solid conversations and I believe the Lord brought us together for our good and His glory. And I'm praying He will see fit to restore our friendship into something that will again be for His glory and our good.
So how is the counselor helping me? We have been going through my patterns of friendships, starting in 7th grade. We have talked about things I may not have learned as I was growing up. We are talking about my alcoholism and recovery.
Its all related.
And I am reflecting on my part. It is hard. It is uncomfortable and it makes me sad. Yet, I know that God is by my side and He is faithful to carry me through. I am praying that this situation makes both me and my friend stronger. That we will lean fully on Him, not on others. That we will look to our Lord as we navigate life. That love will perservere above all else.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
