Workin' the Steps

So I have been sober over a year. I have a fabulous sponsor and I go to my meeting once a week. I have missed a few, but not more than 6 or 7 over the course of the last year. It is my priority. My husband knows this. My children know this. My in laws know this.

In my program there are 4 books to work through. Step 4 is in the second book. Months ago I finished step 3. Was dreading step 4 a little bit. Went to find my second workbook and couldn't. Thought, "Ah, maybe I can just skip these steps."

My sponsor gave me the second book.

The holidays began, my sponsor's daughter was getting married and we kinda slowed down. We still met to talk and she definitely kept me accountable. I made it through the holidays without taking a drink. At times that was quite a challenge. Actually, I don't think I ever came close to taking a drink, but my mental state sometimes took a beating.

Back to the steps.

Monday night I sat down, by myself, and struggled through. Struggle is exactly what I did. {That is another post} We met yesterday and talked through step 4 and 5. We did it! I did it!

And I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I was making it way worse in my head. Too much drama in my brain.

I realized that indeed, I am *still* an alcoholic. There are *still* issues to deal with. And I am *still* a work in progress. However, with God's help I am *still* sober.

Steppin' up!

Happy Thursday~

Red red wine
Makes me feel so fine
Makes me feel happy
All of the time......

Dang, I wanted some red wine tonight! We were at my in laws, to take a picture for her campaign. It was an easy process this time and the photographers were done with a good shot in 30 minutes.

Then dinner preparations began. Steak. Potatoes. Mushrooms. Salad. Red wine. As I saw the glasses being poured around me I wanted one. I wanted to sip from the glass. I wanted to taste the Shiraz with the meat. I wanted it.

I sent my sponsor and my bbf a text. Both responded quickly, both with the right words.

As we sat down to eat my thoughtful father in law offered me some sparkling grape juice.

Um, no thanks.

We bowed our heads to give thanks and I started crying. Seriously? What is wrong with me? I haven't had a drink in over 13 months. I KNOW my life is 100% better now. I am no longer out of control. I am proud of how far I have come and for the recovery I have made so far.

I was mad. I was sad. Sad for all the drinks I will never get to have. These feelings came over me a bit on Saturday afternoon, too, when the woman who taught me to drink chardonnay invited me over for wine.

Its ridiculous, really. I am working the steps and though I haven't made it through step 4 yet {Oh man, I am really dragging my feet} I have enough distance to realize the mess I was in and the path of destruction I was heading down.

So why do I still want a glass of wine? Why do I still wish I could drink normally?

Why?

Sorry for the downer post - just keepin' it real folks.....

Happy Monday~

Checkin' In-

I don't have much to say today. I have a sick 2 yr old, a nose that just won't quit running. I often wonder where all that snot comes from when we get sick. I mean, seriously. She isn't running fever and is sleeping well at night, so it hasn't been too bad. The mister stayed home with her this morning so I could work and we have tomorrow off, so that is good.

The wedding was fabulous. The bride was gorgeous and the dancing was just what I wanted! Lots of my friends were there and it was just good, clean fun. Who needs beer?

Ha.

I am actually feeling pretty good this week. I was reading some in my little Big Book about how the desire to drink just gets removed from us. That would have caused me much to doubt earlier in my recovery, but I am living proof today. I know, KNOW, that there will be moments, but the peace and serenity and hope that I feel while sober will always outweigh the short term effects of a buzz.

Or so I pray.

My friend has been posting her evening prayer each night and I have been answering with a prayer of my own. Honestly I enjoy praying for others. I like to pray out loud, in groups, over meals, etc. Been like that since I was a kid. I am grateful that the Lord sees fit to have me kept me safe all these years and I pray my life is a living testament to His grace.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see
your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

I desire to live that daily, {not just during the moments when I was not drinking, like before}, but every moment.

Happy Wednesday~