I remain thankful-

Its true, I do. I read 1,000 Gifts a few weeks ago and my eyes were opened to the daily blessings bestowed upon me. I have taken to writing in a spiral my list, my gifts, my joy. I want to see joy, to see gifts in every thing, though I don't always succeed.

Last night I took my babes to a worship concert at church. We arrived a few minutes late, slipped in the back and within minutes my hands were raised in praise. Then my 8 year old pulled my arms down. During the next song, I again, without conscious thought raised my limbs in response to the love in my heart. Again my off spring pulled my arms down.

I chose to not get frustrated. It worked!

We drove around after the concert, my kids were so happy, we were enjoying the bit of coolness that the afternoon rains brought. Laughing, singing, exploring roads we've never driven before.

Then things turned south. The laughing turned to squealing. Turned to shrieking. My head hurt. I asked them to control the volume. I asked again. Yelled. Stopped the car.

When we entered our neighborhood I opened the door and told my youngest two to jump out and run home. I had had too much and didn't want to yell in response to their high decibel levels. Laughing, they tumbled out of the car and sprinted the block home. And I was thankful, even then, for their health and joy and exuberance (isn't that a fun word?). Yet I was not thankful for the headache pounding behind my eyes.

So, I haven't quite mastered the 'Give thanks in all circumstances' command in 1 Thessalonians. Do we ever get there? Is anyone thankful ALL THE TIME? I don't know. But I do know I am given gifts daily. And as much as I can I will see thru the lens of gratefulness.

and there IS hope~

Thankful Thursday

Today I have much to be thankful for. I am sober. Almost 42 months sober. That is gift in itself.

Yet, I have been given more. SO much more.

1.My girl is having a blast at her first church camp
2.My youngest says 'I love you, Mama!' unprompted several times a day
3. I'm having lunch with a friend today
4.It rained on Tuesday
5.I was able to run and walk 4 miles this morn

What are YOU thankful for?

there IS hope~

Thankful Thursday on a Friday

I just finished the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The writing is beautiful, it is poetic. Sometimes I found myself reading the same line three times to soak in the imagery. The general gist of the book is to be grateful, right where you stand, for the blessings the Lord bestows. Early in the story Ann is challenged to make a list of one thousand gifts in her life.

I felt challenged to start the same list and last night I turned to the first page in a very ordinary yellow spiral notebook to number blessings from the day. I wrote down five....

1. Bedtime prayers
2. Betty
3.Candy's voice
4.Breeze at tennis
5. texts from Mrs. Dana

I want to get to 1000. I want to get to 10,000. Because I know that He gives us more than we can even fathom. I want to notice His gifts. I want to accept His gifts. I want to pass on His gifts to others.

there IS hope~

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday was a green holiday. It was a beer holiday. It was an excuse to start drinking at 9 am and go on and on and on.

That isn't what I did.

And I didn't miss it. Honestly, since having children my days of patio sitting, beer swilling, relaxing buzz catching had dwindled to near nothingness. My drinking became huge gulps when no one was looking, refilling my wine glass as I rushed thru dinner preparations, and drinking from a coffee cup as I watched afternoon cartoons on pbs.

Not exactly fun or fashionable.

I am grateful I no longer have to attempt to drink like a grown up or set boundaries for myself that I couldn't keep or promise myself that next time would be different. My brain is damaged. My body is was addicted to alcohol.

I've been sober for 15 months.

And for that I am thankful.
Happy Thursday~

Thankful Thursday

This is what I posted on my other blog today----

So, then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6&7

That last part describes me right now... overflowing with thankfulness. I have had a really great week and today in Bible study, as the teacher lectured, I was blown away by my place in this world. I have made some pretty major life changes over the last year or so and things just keep getting better and better.

I became a Christian in the summer of 1991. I have loved Jesus with all of my heart ever since. There were moments that I was head over heels in love with Him, and my actions reflected that. There were other times that He was on the back burner, always there, but sometimes I turned Him down to low heat.

I am reading in Genesis about Jacob and his sons and their choices. I feel a little like Jacob. Sometimes I looked to God, asked His opinions, sought wisdom from the Word. Many decisions I made were made relying only on my own knowledge.

While I have remained safe and healthy all these years, I wonder about the blessings I missed out on when my life was not in line with the Lord's plan for me. I grieve for the choices that were unhealthy, unsafe and just plain wrong. There are earthly consequences I will face on this earth, though I am forgiven in Heaven. I thank the Lord over and over again for His mercy and grace.

I am looking to Him these days. I am listening more, reading more, asking more, kneeling more. And I am hearing more. This week there have been two instances when I had a physical reaction while praying. I felt the Holy Spirit in my bones. It felt good.

And I am overflowing with thankfulness.


Happy Thursday~

Thankful Thursday

The sun is beautiful here today. We have had a crazy week of weather, mild 60s to snow to mild to rain. What a wild ride!

I have been working on my story, my testimony, what the Lord has done in my life. It has been hard and it has been healing. I will be sharing it at my meeting next week. Yikes!

Here is a paragraph I wrote this afternoon:

I am grateful for the Lord and for the people he has blessed my life with. I have made deep relationships with people over the last months that would not have come about had I never struggled with my drinking. And though I wish I was not an alcoholic, I do NOT wish I didn't have these friendships.

Today I am grateful for those friendships. AND I am grateful I am not drinking today.

What are YOU thankful for?

Happy Thursday~ 

Sober in the Capitol

I went to a state school for college, one of the largest in the nation. I partied like what I thought a 'normal' college girl did. There were serious incidents that happened purely because I made poor choices and put myself in dangerous situations, but I must say, for the most part, I made it through safely. By the grace of God.

And He continued to protect me, mainly from myself, for 10 years of drinking after college.

This past weekend I returned to the town of my college days to run in a half marathon. We stopped at the grocery store on the way to where we were spending the night so that my husband could buy a 6 pack of beer. {We have been adjusting and compromising and figuring out what works for us regarding his drinking.....} We walked into the beer and wine section of the store and my head started spinning.

I realized two things. One- I equate this town to margaritas and a good buzz. Two- Any type of mini get-away from my kids and my job meant I could buy and drink alcohol with freedom not usually enjoyed in my hometown.

That was true until 14 months ago when I quit drinking. When I sobered up. When I realized that indeed, I was an alcoholic.

I sent a text to my sponsor and to Em asking their opinion of nonalcoholic beer. Both said no. {Props to me- I had already decided it wasn't a good idea before they texted back}

I discovered that this town was going to have to come to mean something new to me. That mini vacations were going to have to trigger something else in me. That I had the opportunity to redefine who I was in that city. In any city.

After I ran the half marathon on Sunday, I said to my husband, "I now have a healthy connotation with this place. I have done something good for me here, instead of my usual self destructive behavior."

And for that I am so thankful. What are you thankful for?
Happy Thursday!

Ashes

I got drunk for the first time when I was 16. I got drunk for the last time when I was 31. For 15 years in between there I had more black outs than I can count, puked in more places than I remember and did things I am completely ashamed of.

There were two instances in particular that weighed heavy on my heart. Black scuff marks on my soul. Deep pits of ugliness that could consume me on any given day if I let my mind go there.

Long before I got sober I knew I would have to deal with those things at some point. I knew I'd have to eventually tell someone, or go crazy trying to hide it. When I asked BW to be my sponsor in June she said she'd only agree if I agreed to work the steps. I told her I was a scared scared chicken, but I would give it my very best shot.

7 months later I finally worked step 4 and 5. I wrote down in my own words the things I was hiding. I put onto paper the ugliest ugliest part of me. It was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than not drinking at Thanksgiving. More difficult than going into my first meeting.

I wanted to quit. I cried. I texted a friend who asked if I really had to do this. But I knew I did. I trusted BW and I trusted the program.

So I wrote the words.

The next morning, early in the dark, I read the words out loud. I had to sit on the floor, my back to BW. I read quietly. I paused several times. I honestly thought about just giving her the paper to read. But I finished what I started.

I read the words.

And funny thing is, lightening didn't strike me. I was assured that I was not the only person to have done what I did and experience what I experienced. And I was also reminded that if I needed any more proof that indeed I had a problem with alcohol, those two incidents confirmed it.

BW found some matches, we moved over to the fireplace and she struck a match. I held the paper and it lit on fire. I silently watched the paper burn, tears streaming down my face.

I burned the words.

While I had given those things to the Lord time and time again in my head there was something so cathartic about actually writing, reading and burning the words. As my sponsor said, I acknowledged my past, owned it and moved on.

I am forgiven, washed white as snow. {Isaiah 1:18} And while there will always be earthly consequences for my sinful actions, my Jesus remembers none of it. I am a new creation to him {2 Cor 5:17}.

I am not that same person. I am sober. I am forgiven.

Are you?
Happy Thursday~

Workin' the Steps

So I have been sober over a year. I have a fabulous sponsor and I go to my meeting once a week. I have missed a few, but not more than 6 or 7 over the course of the last year. It is my priority. My husband knows this. My children know this. My in laws know this.

In my program there are 4 books to work through. Step 4 is in the second book. Months ago I finished step 3. Was dreading step 4 a little bit. Went to find my second workbook and couldn't. Thought, "Ah, maybe I can just skip these steps."

My sponsor gave me the second book.

The holidays began, my sponsor's daughter was getting married and we kinda slowed down. We still met to talk and she definitely kept me accountable. I made it through the holidays without taking a drink. At times that was quite a challenge. Actually, I don't think I ever came close to taking a drink, but my mental state sometimes took a beating.

Back to the steps.

Monday night I sat down, by myself, and struggled through. Struggle is exactly what I did. {That is another post} We met yesterday and talked through step 4 and 5. We did it! I did it!

And I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I was making it way worse in my head. Too much drama in my brain.

I realized that indeed, I am *still* an alcoholic. There are *still* issues to deal with. And I am *still* a work in progress. However, with God's help I am *still* sober.

Steppin' up!

Happy Thursday~

Thankful Thursday-

Ten things I am thankful for this New Year's Eve-

*I haven't thrown up as a result of drinking in over a year
*I have not had to lie or smudge a story when talking to people at work about my weekend
*I ran a half marathon in March
*I haven't woken up in the middle of the night, afraid of what might have happened a few hours before
*I picked up my one year chip on December 16
*I have met some friends who are also struggling well against this disease, alcoholism
*My sponsor lets me text her no matter what time of day or night it is
*I have lost about 20 lbs as a result of my not drinking and the fact that I started running
*My husband told me my decision to quit drinking has made us a better family
*Not one person I have told about my condition has snubbed me, judged me, done anything but love me

What are you thankful for?
Happy Thursday~
Happy New Year's Eve~