...now that's fun!....

I have an assignment. I need to redefine fun. It became clear to my my counselor this week that I still define drinking as 'fun'. And when I can't drink in certain situations I get all bent out of shape. Last week it was a dinner, poolside. I sent my sponsor a text that read 'Can I have one corona by the pool?' She immediately wrote back 'No.'

Why did I want a corona? That wasn't my favorite beer back in the day. But have you seen those commercials? Corona makes the world slip away and suddenly you are on a private beach with nary a care and all is beautiful and perfect.

Um, not exactly reality.

My reality is that I am an alcoholic. One beer would not have done it for me. It might have worked Saturday night, but I know that Sunday would have found me figuring out another reason to just have one drink. And the next time it would probably be two. Soon I'd throw up. Or drive. Or flirt too heavily.

Yes, my reality does not involve white sandy beaches, it involves black outs, drunk driving and close calls.

So why do I still wish I could have a drink sometimes? Why am I a little peeved to not be going to the staff party tonight after I found out on facebook that there will be over 250 jello shots? I don't want others to not drink around me, necessarily, I just wish so much of social life didn't revolve around drinking. I wish it didn't seem to be everywhere.

I have had fun times without drinking these last 3 1/2 years. Lots and lots of seriously, pant-wetting fun. It is true. So I need to think on those moments and fill my head with memories of fun where drinking wasn't involved. And I know that society isn't going to change, alcohol is a big part of how folks do life. So I need to learn to deal.

And I will, one day at a time.
because there IS hope~

PS- What do YOU do for fun?

dreams

About 6 weeks ago I had a dream that I drank on May 6th. Or it may have been May 4th, I can't remember exactly. I do remember that it was a party of sorts and I was drinking. At the end of the night I turned to my husband and asked him what on earth I had said when I decided to take that first drink after 3+ years of sobriety. He couldn't remember.

That part of the dream remains vivid to me. What was it, what made me think the time had come to drink? What changed my mind? What made me say 'Now it is okay." ?

Because sometimes I think about that. I think, will there come a day when I'll drink again? My program says One day at a time. And it definitely helps for me to just make the decision not to drink at this moment. But still, I wonder....

Anyway, I told my counselor about my dream. She was a bit intrigued too. She asked if I had anything on the calendar for that date, and at the time I didn't. She encouraged me to really think about my decision if I ever drank again, not to just be out one night and think 'Oh, what the heck, I think I'll have a glass of wine.'

I like that idea. That there may indeed come a day when I drink again. But it will be because of a well thought out decision on my part not just a whim when out with friends. Though I do not think drinking will ever successfully fit back into my life, there is some power in that process.

Fast forward to last night. I was at a Kentucky Derby dinner with dancing. It was so fun, I wore a fancy hat and mingled with some of our city's movers and shakers. There was a cash bar and wine bottles on our table. During the cocktail hour and dinner I was content with my ice water. However, near the end of the evening it was just my husband and me left at the table. Most of the other folks had left. {We rarely get an evening out to dance without kids and planned on closing the place down}As we sat down between songs I noticed about a glass and a half of wine left in the bottle. And I thought- Its just my husband here... There is a limited amount of wine available... I could have a glass....

Then the shocking de ja vu hit.....last night could have been my dream! I could have decided just that easily to drink, to give up my 40+ months of sobriety. Oh my! I kind of mumbled to my husband that I almost asked for the wine. Yet inside I was shaking a little. And so grateful for the dream that warned me to be on guard. To think through the drink. To realize it could be that easy.

We got up, danced a few more times and left. And I'm still sober.

there IS hope~